


Fractured

by rankwriter



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Supernatural and J2 Big Bang Challenge 2014
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-08 04:37:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1926867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rankwriter/pseuds/rankwriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p><b>Artist name:</b> moonyj4m<br/><b>Genre:</b> rps<br/><b>Pairing:</b> Jared/Jensen<br/><b>Rating:</b> NC17<br/><b>Word count:</b> 22k<br/><b>Warnings:</b></p><table>
  <tbody><tr><td> Major life changing injury, descriptions of bodily functions, infidelity between minor characters </td>
  </tr>
</tbody></table><p><b>Summary:</b> Jared Padalecki, editor and wannabe author. He loves to run and keep in shape, although not as much as he loves his boyfriend, Jensen. Jared is a fit, and healthy young man until a freak accident changes his life irrevocably. Now Jared has to learn to live a different life filled with incredible limitations. Can he do it? Is that even what he wants? His relationship with Jensen will have to be reevaluated and redefined drastically. Can they make it work against the odds?</p>
    </blockquote>





	Fractured

**Author's Note:**

> **Artist name:** moonyj4m  
>  **Genre:** rps  
>  **Pairing:** Jared/Jensen  
>  **Rating:** NC17  
>  **Word count:** 22k  
>  **Warnings:**
> 
> Major life changing injury, descriptions of bodily functions, infidelity between minor characters   
> ---  
>   
> **Summary:** Jared Padalecki, editor and wannabe author. He loves to run and keep in shape, although not as much as he loves his boyfriend, Jensen. Jared is a fit, and healthy young man until a freak accident changes his life irrevocably. Now Jared has to learn to live a different life filled with incredible limitations. Can he do it? Is that even what he wants? His relationship with Jensen will have to be reevaluated and redefined drastically. Can they make it work against the odds?

 

dec_2013

 

I can’t believe you didn’t fill the car,” Jensen grumbled as they walked down the hill towards the station. The sun was beating down making everything seem clean and fresh. The trees that lined the road were the sort of green you only saw on a summer day and the flowers adorning the gardens were as bright as a parrot’s plumage.  
“I can’t believe you left your phone at home,” David retorted, putting his hands in his pockets. His face was blank but his eyes were furious.

“And you didn’t bother to charge yours.” Jensen retorted. His boyfriend was seriously ruining a beautiful day and he didn’t see how David could blame this on him. Bastard. 

Jensen tuned his boyfriend out, in truth he wasn’t sure things were working out between them. It was as if the car conking out was a cosmic metaphor for their relationship. It had certainly brought all their problems to a head, anyway.

David was good-looking and kind and, until recently, had been attentive and loving. Jensen knew it was he who was the problem, he had never committed fully to David. He couldn’t. He had given his heart a long time ago and somehow he couldn’t get over that relationship. Shaking his head in an attempt to clear his head of memories good and bad, Jensen slightly increased his pace to catch up with David.

The road looked familiar. Jensen looked around and felt his heart clench. He hadn’t been this way for years, but he was sure this was His road. ‘Yes,’ he thought. He recognised that house with the large rhododendron bush. It was much larger now, dwarfing the garden it adorned. Jensen felt dizzy. He had avoided this part of town for years and now here he was again. Scanning the buildings, he found the house where he and Jared had lived easily enough. It was set back from the road, a tall Victorian townhouse that had been converted into apartments in the sixties and then converted again into assisted living quarters in the early noughties. Noughties. Even now the word made Jensen want to snort. Couldn’t they have thought of a better word to describe the 2000s? It had been a whole new millennium, filled with technology and computers; a time when anything was possible. It should have been a time of beginnings, but for Jensen, it had been a time of endings. A time when he had lost everything that was important to him.

He looked up at Jared’s apartment, the one they had shared for four years. It looked the same as it had all those years ago. He could have sworn he saw a slight movement in the window. Was that a face? Could it be Jared’s face? He couldn’t tell because of the reflection of the sun. Shading his eyes, he looked again. He couldn’t be sure but he believed it was Jared and, just for a moment he felt warmth flow into his cold heart. Raising an arm, he waved. Then, the reality of the situation hit him. Even if Jared were up there, there would be no grand reunion; he wouldn’t run into Jared’s arms or Jared into his. Jared had sent him away, and for them there would be no happily ever after. 

Jensen stopped and stared at the window high up on the third -floor. He shouldn’t be here; it just opened old wounds that he had spent such a long time trying to heal.

Then a harsh voice pulled him from his revelry. “Are you coming?” David spat out; he was about forty feet ahead, his whole body screaming his impatience. He was a good-looking man, almost as tall as Jared, and dark haired like him, but there, the similarities ended. Whereas Jared was good fun, at least before the accident, David wasn’t. He was serious and hard-working and for a while it had worked, but now, well… Now, Jensen really didn’t care whether he saw the man again. Thank God he hadn’t moved in with him when David had asked. He’d dodged a bullet there.

Jensen really wanted to say no, and just stay there, on that empty street looking for his lost love. Maybe he would run up the stairs to that lonely flat and bang on the door until Jared or his caretaker opened it. Then he would demand that Jared take him back. Jensen loved him and love could overcome anything. Couldn’t it?

Jensen could feel the trickle of tears as they flowed down his face; his heart hurt so badly. As much as he wanted to do all those things, he knew he couldn’t. Jared had told him to go away. Jared had let him go so that Jensen could have a life. Jared had said it was too hard to see Jensen every day, too much of a reminder of everything he had lost. His heart couldn’t take it and please could Jensen go and have a life and live it for both of them. Jared hadn’t seemed to realise that he was Jensen’s life and the years since he had moved out hadn’t changed his mind in the slightest.

He was sobbing now. Tears were restricting his vision and snot was dripping from his nose, making it hard to breathe. He turned away from the house and, without a backward glance, hurried after David. Jensen felt as if he left a piece of himself behind, but it wasn’t his heart; he had left that with Jared six years ago.

 

may_03

 

It’s funny how your life can change in the tiny moment of time it takes for you to draw a breath, Jared thought. His lips had barely parted; his diaphragm was just contracting causing oxygen to rush into his lungs, when his foot slipped on the step - such a small thing - something that happens to children everyday. But this small thing had major repercussions that affected Jared’s life and the lives of everyone he knew; this small thing caused irrevocable damage. That slip on the slick step was followed by a tumble down eight more steps, Jensen had gone back later and counted them, eight steps that was all it took to change his life. Jared would have argued, in his darker days, that it had in fact ended his life. 

The impact from the bottom step forced all the air from his lungs in a stuttering whoosh and Jared thought he heard a crack. Then terrible pain shot through his body as white light closed in obscuring his vision and blessed unconsciousness swiftly followed. 

The noise was irritating,

beep, beep, beep

Annoying, like a fly buzzing around your face on a summer’s day. Everything was muzzy and he couldn’t move, even his brain seemed full of cotton wool.

beep, beep, beep

Slowly, at a glacier’s pace, the fog lifted until instead of pitch black the world became charcoal grey, then light grey. Finally, with what felt like a gargantuan effort, Jared opened his eyes. 

His face felt funny, wrong even, and his head hurt. The first thing he could see was the off-white ceiling tiles, yellowed and pitted with age. Jared tried to talk but there was something in his mouth, down his throat, making him want to gag. 

beep, beep, beep

The sound was growing urgent, faster. Jared tried to move his arm to pull the tube out but nothing happened, and that was when Jared truly started to panic. His breathing accelerated and he felt sweat trickling down his forehead as his heart rated quickened. 

“I think he’s waking up,” said a voice he didn’t recognise. 

‘Help me!’ he wanted to shout, but the tube obstructed his attempts and all that came out was a small garbled grunt. 

“It’s all right,” came the voice again and a warm, soft hand touched his forehead. “Just breathe slowly. We can’t take you off the respirator until we’re sure you can manage without it.”

‘What’s happening?’ he wanted to say. ‘Where am I?’ His mind raced as he tried to remember what happened, but it was all a blank. He was obviously in a hospital, so he must have had an accident. Maybe a car crash? Oh, God… Was Jensen okay? He started to panic again and the world started turning grey around the edges. He could still feel the comforting hand on his forehead - but that was all - he couldn’t feel anything else. His body was trying to gasp in gulps of air, but the respirator kept a steady rhythm, pumping in oxygen - but at once it wasn’t enough and when he lost consciousness it was a blessed relief.

When Jared awoke a second time the room was quiet and he almost missed the incessant beeping. He tried to move, but only succeeded in turning his head slightly to the left, and if he had been able to sigh he would have, because there was Jensen, sleeping in the chair at his bedside. He was all right, he was alive, and Jared felt a rush of relief. He looked tired, Jared noticed, his hair was greasy and his face was unshaven. Jared tried to speak but the tube in his throat meant that all that came out was a grunt. It was enough, though, because Jensen opened his eyes and a panicked smile hit his face.

“Jared,” he gasped as he stood and grabbed Jared’s hand. Heart beating erratically, Jared realised he couldn’t feel Jensen’s hand on his, in fact he could only just see it out of his peripheral vision. He should have felt the warmth of Jensen’s hand, should have felt as each finger interlocked with his own, but he couldn’t. What was going on? With a sinking feeling Jared suddenly grasped what had happened, but he did not want to admit it. He was paralysed. He could feel his heart beating in his temples, it was going far too fast, and he wondered whether it was permanent. He had heard of occasions where people who were in accidents were temporarily paralysed. Perhaps this was what had happened to him. In the back of his mind though, he knew it was permanent. He didn’t know how he knew, but he felt, with a fatalistic certainty. He wasn’t going to recover from this. He wasn’t sure what had happened but he knew he was paralysed. 

Jared watched Jensen’s hand as it caressed his own, his vision blurred slightly and he knew he was crying. He wanted to feel Jensen’s hand, warm and soft against his own. Would he ever feel that again? 

“Ghhg.” he tried to talk and Jensen dropped his hand and gently touched his forehead.

“Shhh,” he soothed, and Jared felt a little better, now he could feel his lover’s touch. It felt wonderful, it felt like everything he had ever wanted. He tried to smile but wasn’t sure if he succeeded. 

“I bet you want to know what happened.” Jensen said, his eyes never once leaving Jared’s. “Well,” he stalled, “to be honest they’re not sure.” Jared looked into Jensen’s sea-green eyes, watching every flinch and gesture. “It seems you must have slipped down some steps.” Jensen laughed but it was a bitter, brittle sound. “Steps by the station,” he continued, “So, you didn’t fall very far, but...” he trailed off, his eyes sweeping down Jared’s body. “I don’t want you to worry.” Jared felt his perspiration prickle on his brow. Whenever anyone said not to worry, that normally meant that there was something to worry about. “The doctors say you have a back injury but they don’t have a prognosis yet… but whatever it is, Jared, we’ll get through it together. Okay?” 

Jared wasn’t able to think; or worse, he couldn’t stop thinking. He wanted the doctor to come into the room and tell him that this was all temporary, that tomorrow he would be able to wiggle his toes, take his boyfriend’s hand, get up out of this bed and go back to his life, but the sinking feeling in his chest - which was about all he could feel - made him think that was unlikely. He sensed a prickling of sweat on his forehead, and he just wanted to run away from all this. It was his worst nightmare. Jared was sporty, he loved to run, his body was in excellent condition, and he knew that he drew admiring glances from both women and men. He loved being fit: he loved the fact that he was able to use his body to wring wave after wave of pleasure from his boyfriend, and he loved how Jensen looked at him, often with undisguised lust. God… Would he ever experience that again? 

Time lost its meaning. Jared couldn’t feel anything below his neck really, but somehow he still seemed to feel discomfort. It was an abstract feeling, not real, but still valid. The worst moments were when he was unable to see Jensen. He would feel his heart rate quicken and a cold sweat prickle at his temples. He needed Jensen there by his side, he was his anchor, his calm in this storm of emotion and despair, and he just knew he would die if Jensen left. 

It might have been hours or minutes after he came round that the doctor came into the room. 

“How are we feeling?” he said. His voice was booming and jolly and when he came into Jared’s line of vision, he could see that the man fit the voice perfectly. He was a white beard short of being Santa. He had rounded rosy cheeks and a full generous mouth and the kindliest blue eyes Jared could ever remember seeing. Automatically Jared felt at ease. “Of course,” the doctor mumbled. “The ventilator, hmmm, want to try without it?” 

Jared managed a small nod of his head and the doctor smiled.

“Right then, this will be a bit uncomfortable but I want you to cough really hard.” And with that he began to pull the tube from Jared’s throat. The process seemed to go on forever, but once it was out Jared felt human again. The first thing he did was say hi to his boyfriend and the first thing Jensen did was kiss him gently on the lips. Jared could feel the tears overflow from his eyes again as Jensen nuzzled his neck whispering in his ear how much he loved him and how glad he was that Jared was still there. Jared cried softly in his boyfriend’s arms.

Later, when Jared looked back, he remembered that those early days were a mix of frantic panic, and bone aching boredom. The doctors, and there had seemed to be a never-ending stream of them, prodded and poked, hmmed and ahhed over him; they constantly talked over him almost as if he wasn’t there, to the point where Jensen got annoyed.

“Well,” one Doctor said. This one was thin with a beaklike nose. “The young man has damaged his spine. The break is at C4 which, unfortunately, means that he will have mobility problems. Just how bad these are will depend on how damaged his spinal cord is.” He took a breath and then continued. His voice was really grating on Jared’s nerves, but he really hoped for some good news so he listened attentively. “At the moment there is some swelling, so we are hopeful that once that goes down then his mobility will be improved.” 

“There,” Jensen said to Jared. “The doc says you might improve.” Jensen positively beamed, and Jared didn’t have the heart to tell him that moving a finger or two wasn’t going to make a huge amount of difference. He knew he was letting himself wallow, but Jared couldn’t let go. A few days ago he had been a normal twenty-five year old man; fit, healthy, with a good career and now… well, now he felt like a waste of a hospital bed. He closed his eyes and shut out the uncaring doctor and his well-meaning boyfriend.

It was hard living in a twilight world, a world where everything was a nondescript shade of grey. A world where Jared couldn’t move or feel, a world where he only felt whole when he dreamt. Dreaming was a curse and a boon. When he dreamt, he could run and walk, play and cuddle, hold and kiss: but then he awoke and reality would seep in through the gaps of his subconscious until he remembered that his life had changed radically and not for the better. Through it all, Jensen was there, either holding his hand or caressing his brow. Jared couldn’t help but notice how haggard Jensen had begun to look; his normally glowing skin was grey and dry and his eyes were bloodshot. 

This was taking as much out of Jensen as it was Jared, more even. Jared knew that Jensen loved him and he could only imagine how difficult it was to watch, wait and hope. Jensen was trying to stay cheerful, always looking on the bright side but Jared was watching him. He could do little else, and he could see the toll his accident was taking on Jensen.

“Don’t you need to go to work?” Jensen had been by his side now for days, possibly weeks. Jared wasn’t sure, as time seemed to run differently now. It was like elastic, expanding and contracting depending on the pain or boredom. 

“Nah, I’ve taken some time off to be with you.”

“Aren’t you worried that you’ll lose your job?” Jared asked, perplexed.

“Dude, my boyfriend’s in the hospital. I’m pretty sure they’re gonna cut me a little slack,” he said tiredly. “Don’t worry, Jared. My boss said to take as long as we need.” Jensen sighed. “He understands, so until things settle down a bit I can do some work from here.” 

Jensen sat down and leant over to kiss Jared’s brow. The soft contact sent a warm feeling through Jared’s body. At least he thought it did; maybe it was muscle memory or something else, but he could swear he felt butterflies in his stomach, much like when they first met. Every touch from Jensen had sent electricity through his body. No matter how accidental the touch, his stomach would flip, just as if he was a teenager on his first date. He had never lost the feeling and apparently even now, with his body so ravaged that he could barely feel anything, he could still experience the frissons caused by his lover’s touch.

Jared’s thoughts went round and round in circles. He had no way of distracting himself. Even when the television was on, his mind would wander off. He worried about how he would cope, how he would live now with all the changes. He would need a caretaker to tend to his personal needs. Someone was going to have to dress him, feed him and move him. Worse than that, apparently someone was going to have to stick their finger up his ass to encourage his ruined body to defecate. Yes, learning that had been fun. Darren, a care assistant, had explained that he needed a ‘bowel routine’ and Jared had just died inside. Darren was a no-nonsense ex-marine who was so matter-of-fact about it that Jared tried to be too, but it was hard.

Yeah, being paralysed was a whole new world of humiliation. Okay, so he’d had a man’s fingers up his ass before, but that had always been for pleasure, and he had been able to feel it for fuck’s sake! Now this new indignity was just a step too far. He could cope with peeing in a bag but the whole bowel routine just made his face burn with embarrassment. And then there was Jensen, always at his side, smiling and looking at him with those huge, concerned green eyes. Damn it, Jared wanted to hit him, and he didn’t even know why. All he was doing was loving him, for goodness sake. But one day he had to chase him out of the room when Darren, his caretaker of the day was preparing to stimulate his bowel action. 

“For fuck’s sake, Jensen, I don’t want you to see me like this.” 

“Jared,” he said, managing to make the name seem far longer than two syllables. The sadness in That Jared could see in his eyes was almost tangible. He bit his lip, and cast Jared another look, but then seemed to realise that Jared wasn’t kidding around. Jensen nodded and left the room.

Jared felt sick; he didn’t want to make Jensen sad, or at least any worse than he was already. But by the same token, he wanted some privacy at least while he defecated. Didn’t everyone deserve that? 

“Okay, man,” said Darren. He was a big gruff, ex-military man and Jared liked him. He was no-nonsense and didn’t embarrass Jared at all. His approach to toileting was as business–like as when he hefted Jared into his chair or helped him dress. Jared really appreciated his clinical approach. It was almost as if Darren was his employee or something, and that slight distinction gave Jared a small amount of power in a hugely disparate relationship. If this was Jared’s life from now on, then Darren was exactly the sort of person he wanted to help care for him. He most definitely didn’t want Jensen being his caregiver, although his boyfriend had been making comments that suggested that was exactly what he wanted to do. Jared couldn’t think of anything worse. 

Jensen was his lover and he was someone that Jared loved and cared for; someone that he wanted to sit and talk to, go out with, make love to. He was not someone that Jared wanted to help dress him, or wipe his arse, or, worse, have to stick his finger up there to make him go. Jared knew he was focusing far too much on bowel management, but that was because it was so humiliating. 

Jared was moved to a rehab centre after the first few weeks in the hospital. The place was both better and worse than the hospital. The place was filled with people like himself; people who had been in accidents that left them with various degrees of paralysis. There, Jared could see how others coped, but he found it all a bit depressing. Jared was on a floor that catered to mainly quadriplegics and it did help him realise that his injury, although severe, was not the worst that could happen. There were people there that could not breathe unaided and Jared knew that would suck far worse than his own condition. He could also see that, yes, some people could get around with the help of special wheelchairs, but their limitations were so obvious that it brought his own into sharp focus.

Steve, another quadriplegic was in the room next to Jared’s, and had taken to visiting. Jared enjoyed his company for the most part. Steve had been in a car crash. His boyfriend had been driving and he had walked away with no injuries. Steve however, had been left with some movement in his left hand and that was it. 

“You’ll get used to it,” Steve said, meaning the toileting. Jared had been focusing on it a lot and had asked Steve how he coped.

Jared shuddered. Well, as much as his ruined body could, “That’s really something I don’t want to get used to,” he said, feeling acid rush into his mouth at the thought. 

“Well, it’s time you put on your big boy panties. You can moan and gripe about things you can’t change or you can just get on with it. “ 

“I can’t get on with any-fucking-thing. I’m stuck here like a piece of meat. I breathe and that’s about it. I can’t move, I can’t touch or hold. I can’t do anything.” 

Jared was horrified to find that he was crying, great gasps of sobs wracking his body. His nose was running and he could hardly breathe. Steve shouted for the nurse who came running.

“Hey, none of that,” she said. Sandy was a petite thing, but strong. Beautiful when she smiled, her gentle Irish accent always helped soothe Jared. She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and helped him blow his nose just as he felt his lungs constrict. 

“That’s one good reason not to cry now, you’ll end up suffocating.” Steve said with a look that was somewhere between a grin and a grimace.

Jared thought between heaving sobs that maybe suffocating wouldn’t be such a bad thing, but with the same breath – albeit a difficult one – he felt abject fear. Suffocating was not a pleasant way to die. When Jared looked up through his tears. He saw concern etched on Steve’s face as Sandy wiped his eyes. 

“Jared,” Steve said, “things will get better, I promise. This is a lot to take in,” he made a gesture with his one working hand. “I know that as much as anyone. But you do adapt. You will find other things to do. Quads find work nowadays, computers have been a godsend, and you will fill your time and live a full life. I was speaking to Old Bob the other day,” he continued, “and he was telling me about how it was when he was first paralysed…” Steve trailed off. Bob had been in a chair for twenty-odd years and Jared couldn’t imagine how difficult it had been back when Bob was first hurt. At least nowadays there was a gamut of assistive technology. 

Jared was having a hard enough time now. Even with all the new equipment. All he could see was his life wending off into the distance. Him in a chair, unable to move or feel anything below the neck, unable to do anything, unable to work, or love or play. It didn’t bear thinking about. He used to be such a physical person, loved to hug and touch, kiss and make love. Now that was all in the past. His life was as good as over and, although everything Steve said was true: he could learn how to use accessible computer software and maybe he could have a job of some description, maybe even keep the one he had…but he would never be Jared again. He would forever be a thin resemblance of the man he once was. Jared didn’t know whether he wanted to continue living like this, constantly dependent on others for his most basic of needs, dressing, toileting, and even feeding. It was humiliating, that’s what it was. 

Jared sighed. His head was full of darkness, of doom and gloom, and he had never been one for feeling sorry for himself. Steve was right. It was time to man up, or give up entirely, and he wasn’t a damn quitter. So maybe his life was changed beyond recognition. He was just going to have to build a new one, a handicap accessible one. His lips quirked into an almost-smile, but he couldn’t quite make it. One day, hopefully soon, he would.

“Okay,” he said to Steve and nodded his head firmly. “I need to move forward. You’re right. And first of all, I need to sort out some transport.” Jared eyed Steve’s chair that was a marvel of engineering before he continued, “Then, I need to get the apartment sorted so that I can go home. I’ll feel happier then.” 

“I don’t know,” said Steve. “Going home is a big step. I’ve not managed it yet…” he trailed off. “But that doesn’t mean you won’t – maybe you are ready after all – your boyfriend, well, he’s a bit more keen to get you out of here than mine.” Steve looked positively miserable, but then, like turning off a switch, he smiled and continued, “Once you’re properly mobile, you’ll feel better. There are chairs that you can direct with your tongue, or by a straw. There are amazing breakthroughs happening all the time – they’re even talking about thought-controlled chairs. What do you think about that?”

Jared thought that sounded good. He thought being mobile would definitely help his mood. He hated being dependent on people. 

“I expect they cost a lot of money,” he mused. It wasn’t as if he had been living on the breadline. In fact, his job paid well, and he had a good amount of savings, but how long they would last. He needed to get back to work, and soon. He would need some specialist equipment. Someone had mentioned voice recognition software, Dragon or something, that might work. Then he could get back to writing and editing, get some money flowing again. As he mulled all of this over in his head he heard a cough. Jared turned his head and he saw Jensen. He couldn’t help but smile. His boyfriend looked good. 

Jensen had been looking worn down recently. His skin had looked dry and lacking colour. Also, his eyes had lost their normal sparkle. It seemed an early night, and a bit of time away from Jared had made all the difference. Jared’s treacherous mind was nagging away at him, suggesting that Jensen would be better off without him altogether. He would be able to get on with his life, find a boyfriend who could actually do things instead of being stuck in a chair, but Jared swept those thoughts under the carpet and smiled back. Screw feeling sorry for himself. Jensen would tell him if he wanted out, surely. 

“Hey,” said Jensen. “You’re looking better.” He leant over and kissed Jared on the lips, leaving a pleasant tingling in its wake.

“Yeah, I had a good talk with Steve.” Jared gestured with his head in Steve’s direction. “I need to move on, Jensen. I’m not a quitter; I need to crack on with physio and get some equipment so that I can actually live.” Jared punctuated each phrase with a nod of his head.

Jensen beamed. “Yes, you do. We’ll have to get some advice as to what’s the best chair for you. I’ve been Googling, and you can use your computer to do things around the house like switch on the lights. We can get some good software and you’ll be home before you know it.”

Jared didn’t want to dull Jensen’s enthusiasm, but for all the things that technology could help him do, there were ten things that it couldn’t. Personal care was one of the most important things; they would have to arrange for caregivers to come in and attend to Jared’s needs. Jared still needed someone to feed, dress and do other things of a personal nature and, short of a miracle, nothing was going to change that. 

Jared didn’t want to think too long or hard about how his relationship with Jensen was going to progress now. He couldn’t imagine his life without Jensen, but by the same token, it would be difficult to see him every day, to want to hold him, to touch him, and more… and know that he wasn’t going to be able to do any of it. Then, he would worry about holding Jensen back. Jensen was still a young man, with a healthy sex drive that Jared was unable to fill now. Maybe he should let Jensen go so that he could mourn the loss of the relationship while he was mourning the loss of his independence. It would hurt like fuck, but it wasn’t as if he wasn’t hurting already. He felt like he was hurting about as much as a man could, so what was a little more pain thrown into the mix? 

But, looking at Jensen, he only had eyes for Jared, and they still burned with love. They had been so happy together before the accident; literally, they had never argued and all their friends had commented on how compatible they were. Jared had known straight away that Jensen was the one for him; one look at those sparkling green eyes and cute freckles and he’d been a goner. Their relationship had progressed quickly, and they had moved in together after only three months. At the time, Jensen’s family had been sceptical that it would work but Jared had known that it would. It just felt right. And it had worked, they had fit together seamlessly – Jensen was the yin to his yang, the quiet to his garrulousness. Could their perfect relationship weather this new trial?

Maybe it would if Jared didn’t think about it, just concentrate on his recovery. Aim to get as much movement as possible, learn to use all the technology available to give him as normal a life as he could achieve, and then he could think about it later. He smiled and Jensen returned it with an open, loving grin that made Jared’s heart trip. Jensen didn’t realise that the reason Jared was smiling was because in his head he was Scarlett O’Hara, and he was putting off all his troubles until tomorrow. Yeah, he’d worry about everything tomorrow. After all, tomorrow was another day.

“We need to get someone to come in and discuss what sort of technology you need,” Jensen mused. “You’ll definitely need a chair.”

“Yeah, the one Steve has seems pretty good.” Jared gestured with a slight movement of his chin.

“Yeah,” Steve said. “I did a lot of research and this one really suits me. I have movement in my hand. They also have ones which you manage by blowing in a straw, and also by tongue.” he poked his tongue out and wiggled it obscenely.

“Jared always had a way with his tongue.” Jensen said and then actually blushed. Jared felt his stomach lurch – he wondered whether he actually felt it or just experienced the memory of it – but either way he felt desire creep through his body, at least the parts he could feel. A smile crept onto his face. He winked at Jensen who blushed even more furiously and that made Jared think of the day they had first met.

april_96

 

Jared met Jensen one misty morning. He was running along Plymouth Hoe. The weather obscured the normally lovely view out across the Sound to the Breakwater, but the fine mist was cooling on his face so he could manage a brisk pace. It was early yet, the sun was just rising, and the only people about were early workers making their way to offices and shops, and another mad runner who was running just ahead of Jared. He was tall, not quite as tall as Jared, but still bigger than average, and his running shorts accentuated a fine rounded ass that grabbed Jared’s attention. He loved the way it flexed as the man ran easily along the front; his movements were so fluid they were almost hypnotic. When he stopped to stretch Jared took the opportunity to talk to him.

“Hey.” God, Jared thought, could I be more clichéd? But the God before him made him feel as tongue-tied as a teenager with his first crush.

“Hey,” the man replied, he straightened and turned toward Jared. He was even cuter from the front. Dark blond, tousled hair, spiked haphazardly above a truly gorgeous face, showcasing sea-green eyes and a full mouth that seemed made for kissing.

“I thought I was the only mad man out in this weather,” Jared said while he feasted on the vision in front of him.

“Nah, man, all us runners have a screw loose. Anyhow, I prefer running in the rain.” He raised his leg onto the wall and reached forward, grabbing his ankle and stretching. Jared cast a surreptitious look at his butt. It was even better from close up, and he felt slightly pervy until he noticed Jensen’s sly grin which he returned with a wink. And the rest was history, sweaty, sexy history. 

Falling into a relationship was remarkably simple. Jensen had been easy, but then so was Jared. He smiled at the memory; they had slept together for the first time only hours after they met, and it had been wonderful. Jensen was lithe and athletic, and had stamina to burn. Jared had managed to manhandle him into some incredibly inventive positions, and by the time they had finished Jared had achieved a far better work out than he would have managed had he continued his morning run. They were both sweaty and sated, snuggling together under his duvet. Jensen had snuck into Jared’s heart that day, and he had never left. Jared hoped he never would. Life without Jensen would be a grey wilderness, whereas with him it was a technicolour fiesta of awesome.

june_03

 

Gen, the occupational therapist, was a force of nature. Five foot nothing tall, and she must have weighed all of six stone soaking wet, but she filled a room with her enthusiasm, and Jared fell a little in love with her when they met. She didn’t seem to view him as disabled. She didn’t see his limitations; she only saw his capabilities. She had ideas about assistive technology, chairs, beds, desks, and because she had such passion, Jared found himself being dragged along in her wake. 

“I like this one,” Gen said pointing at a chair in the catalogue. It looked like something from a sci-fi movie; it was big and shiny, and it could move a person into almost a standing position. It looked big and bulky but, so the blurb said, it was eminently manoeuvrable. “We’ll have to try a few of the controllers. Do you think you want to try the straw?”

Jared nodded. He didn’t really fancy having to use his tongue; it just felt a bit unhygienic. He couldn’t wait to get mobile under his own steam. Once he was up and about, then it wouldn’t be too long until he was allowed home. To what would be his new home. As it turned out, he wasn’t ever going home to their old flat. He and Jensen had discussed it with Gen and they all agreed it was too inaccessible with too many steps and not enough room to install a stair lift or ramps. There was just no way to effectively alter it, so Jensen had found them a new place nearby, and it was being modified to suit his needs. Although he was slightly saddened that he would never go back to their old apartment, he knew that it was just bricks and mortar. Jensen was his home, so as long as he was there, then Jared would feel secure. 

Gen flipped a few more pages. “Ooh, look at this,” she said as she moved the brochure into his line of vision. “You can use this computer just by moving your eyes.” That did sound good as he found the headband pointer contraption a bit unwieldy. That, and because his neck was really the only part of his body he could move, and not very well, he didn’t want to give himself neck ache. Jared grinned as Gen picked various aids out of the catalogue. There was plenty of things he would be able to work by utilising the computer. He could remotely open the door to visitors, adjust the heat and air, turn the TV on and off, and answer the phone. Gen was droning on about the various grants he could apply for that would help with the cost of all the gadgets, but Jared tuned out and let himself imagine living in his own home again, living as independent a life as possible. He would employ a personal assistant to come in and see to his hygiene, and help him dress. He didn’t want Jensen to take on that role. If he and Jensen were going to try and maintain this relationship then a line needed to be drawn, and Jared was drawing it. Maybe things wouldn’t work out, but Jensen loved him. Jared had no doubt about that, so he would see how things evolved, and if he felt that he was holding Jensen back, well… He would cross that bridge if and when he came to it. He didn’t want to think about it too much; he couldn’t bear the thought of life without Jensen. Jared knew he was avoiding certain things, but by the same token he was moving forward with other areas of his life, and he was proud of his progress. It would have been all too easy to fall into a deep depression. He had seen it happen. He didn’t fool himself that he was the most emotionally stable person ever but he was doing okay. He was looking for the positives and working towards the best future he could achieve. If in the small hours of the morning, he shed a tear when there was no one around to see, well that was no ones business but his own. 

The staff at the rehab centre was pleased with him; one nurse had confided that most people in his position became horribly depressed following such a severe accident. Jared was determined that he wasn’t going to succumb to that. It was hard though. When he was alone with no distractions. His traitorous brain would show him what his life was going to be like – forever. Dependent, never able to wipe his nose or his ass, feed himself or touch his boyfriend. Jared would chase those thoughts away, exiling them to the far corner of his mind, locking them in a sturdy chest, and throwing away the key. He was strong and he had Jensen, he was going to make the best of this. He would not wallow in misery because what was the point? It wasn’t like anyone could do anything to change his circumstances. Jared had endured some hard times in his life but he had come through them. He could come through this too.

aug_03

“There’s a man here to see you,” the nurse said in a hushed, awed voice. Her eyes were shining. Jared raised an eyebrow; it couldn’t be Jensen that had her all hot around the collar, as she had already met him. Jared looked at her questioningly.

“He’s gorgeous,” she stage whispered, “a bit like George Clooney, all dark, greying hair and a cheeky grin.” She sighed., “I expect he’s taken, all the hot ones are.” 

Jared smiled; she could only be describing his boss, Jeff. Jared wasn’t ashamed to admit that he had a small crush on the man. One smile from him was enough to make his heart flutter. He had felt guilty about it, that was until he introduced Jensen to him, and Jensen had almost swooned. Jared smiled at the memory, they had spent hours afterwards describing a filthy fantasy threesome – but sadly Jeff was straight, so fantasy was all it was. Apart from being incredibly hot, Jeff was also an all-round good guy, so Jared was pleased to see him. 

Jeff popped his head round the door, and the nurse blushed and stammered,

“I’ll leave you boys to it,” and beat a hasty retreat.

“Another one for your harem,” Jared observed as Jeff shrugged.

“You’ve either got it…” he trailed off as he sat down. “So how’s it going?” 

“Well, I guess I’ve screwed up my chances of playing championship football,” Jared quipped. 

Jeff looked at Jared with concern. “I just wanted to let you know there will always be a job for you at Morgan Associates. We’re all rooting for you and if you need anything, anything at all, then I’ll use all my resources to get it for you.” 

Jared could feel himself tearing up and fought it. He didn’t want Jeff to see him as weak.

“Thanks, Jeff,” he said with feeling, “Everyone has been so supportive. I don’t know what I would have done without all your help.” Then a thought entered his head. He wasn’t sure whether to ask but then threw caution to the wind. “Actually, you can do me a favour.” 

“Anything.”

“Look after Jensen, will you? I mean… I’m not going anywhere, obviously, but Jensen, he’s barely left my side, and he’s looking a bit worse for wear. Can you take him out for a drink or something? Just give him a bit of time to himself without him being the partner of a quad?” Jared said and once the words were out he could feel the tension seep out of his body. At least, the parts he could feel. He had spent so much of his time looking out for Jensen during their relationship that it was weird now that the shoe was on the other foot, but if Jeff could get Jensen to relax, even if just for a little while, then Jared would feel better too.

“That I can do.” Jeff smiled. “You’ve got the right attitude, Jared. You’re a fighter. You’ll come out of this stronger, I know it.”

Jeff seemed so sure of himself that Jared let his enthusiasm chase away his own doubts momentarily. He wasn’t normally a quitter, but then he’d never found himself in such a hopeless situation. This was the sort of thing that separated the men from the boys, as his dad would have said. Unfortunately, his dad had died along with his mum back when Jared was twenty, and still at university. Jeff was the closest Jared had to a father figure, albeit an incredibly hot father figure. Jared was going to take his advice and run with it, or wheel with it as the case may be.

 

nov_03

 

Home. Jared looked around the apartment. It was light, airy and welcoming. The flooring was vinyl, making it easier to manoeuvre on with his chair, and the furniture was well spaced. The sofa looked comfy, large and overstuffed. He wished he could spend some evenings on it, snuggled with Jensen, but the hassle of getting him out of his chair to do that seemed like too much effort. It wasn’t like Jared could do anything to help with the lifting. It would probably feel like supporting a dead weight, he thought. Through, in the bedroom there was a custom built bed and a hoist to enable his caretaker to lift him in and out. Jensen said he could do it, but Jared balked at the idea. The adjoining bathroom was specially kitted out for his ease of bathing. All in all, it was a pleasant place to live, and even with all the special equipment, it didn’t feel institutional. It still didn’t feel like home, though, not yet. Even with Jensen there. 

Their old apartment had been a bit shabby, and always messy. Neither of them were neat freaks, but it had felt homey, comfortable and lived in. When Jensen’s mum visited she always ended up tidying up for them, which Jared thought should have made them feel guilty but somehow never did. This new apartment was always tidy; no clothing was strewn on the floor, as it would have impeded Jared’s movement about the place, so Jensen was always picking stuff up. The tidiness made the place a little sterile, but the longer he was here the more homely it would become. At least he was out of the centre, with their rules and regulations: get up at seven, breakfast at eight, physical therapy at ten then lunch at twelve. The afternoon had passed in much the same regimented manner. Here he could eat when he was hungry, sleep when tired, and do pretty much what he wanted, when he wanted. 

He still had physical therapy. Matt came to the flat and moved his limbs around a bit. It didn’t feel much like exercise to Jared, but Matt assured him that it was essential as it would keep his muscles in condition and stop them wasting away. Other times they would go to the gym. In truth Jared didn’t mind the therapy sessions so much. He used to enjoy sport of all description, and he liked being back in the gym, even as limited as he was. He particularly enjoyed aqua therapy. He liked the feeling of floating in the warm water, although at times it could be scary too, being so dependent on someone else. If Matt let go, Jared would sink like a stone. Sometimes Matt would help him cough by constricting his chest. It was important that he clear his lungs, as any infection could be particularly dangerous in his condition and because he couldn’t feel his chest, he didn’t always know when he needed to cough. He could breathe unaided, which was lucky. If the injury had been one vertebra higher he would have been dependent upon a ventilator for the rest of his life. A C4 break was pretty bad, but knowing it could have been worse would have made Jared shiver had he been able. 

The apartment still smelled of fresh paint. It wasn’t an overpowering, just painted smell, but more of a lingering freshness that was quite pleasant. The flat originally had two bedrooms, but the second bedroom had been turned into a joint study. Jensen had his drafting table in there, and had managed to negotiate with his employer that he could do most of his work from home. He still had to go to meetings and occasionally to meet clients, but his employers had been incredibly understanding of his new circumstances. Jared feared that maybe this would cause his career to stall, but Jensen didn’t care. He said there were more important things in life. Jared knew he was right. 

Jared, for his part, was easing himself back into work too. Luckily, as an editor he could easily work from home, and as his work was based on the computer, he was still able to complete it with few problems. The assistive technology he had purchased worked a treat, and although he only worked a couple of hours a day at first, the feeling of achievement was wonderful. He was starting to feel like himself again. 

Jared knew they had been lucky. The rehab centre had been one of the best in the country, and Gen had helped them both apply for various grants which had paid for the alterations to their flat, had bought the chair and other gizmos that were making Jared’s life easier. His company had even paid sick pay, and been as supportive as they could possibly be. They were more than excited to get him back, too. Jared realised how easy it would have been for them to just let him go, but they had stuck by him and for that he would be eternally grateful.

nov_03

 

Sex - well that was a subject that used to give Jared incredible pleasure, both doing it, and thinking about it, or even watching it. There was nothing better than a good old dirty porn movie to get the juices flowing. Now, it was just a source of incredible frustration. Using his mouth pointer, Jared loaded up YouTube and spent time surfing some of the more informative videos made by quadriplegics. One in particular made by a doctor, Michael Tepper, seemed to offer a small amount of hope that one day he may be able to have a sex life. A sex life that would be full of limitations and preparations, not to mention the potential for incredible humiliation, but a sex life nonetheless. The good doctor had partial use of his hands, but other than that he was in much the same position as Jared. He was using a piece of equipment, a wedge shaped piece of foam to facilitate his sexual activities. Jared thought that perhaps it was time that he invested in one of these, but he wasn’t planning on letting Jensen know, at least not just yet. It was odd, he could feel nothing, his body was completely numb, but his mind still felt desire. 

Jensen was gorgeous, and even though the worry had left his skin grey and the crinkles around his eyes were a little more pronounced, he was still the best looking man Jared had ever seen. His hair was tousled, shot through with golden streaks and his eyes were green like the sea just as a storm approaches. He had freckles sprinkled on his nose and Jared knew he had others hidden by his clothing. He smiled; he would love to kiss his way down Jensen’s body using those freckles as a map just like he used to do.

 

dec_03

 

“I got a tree,” Jensen said. His face was flushed with the cold, but his eyes were shining. “It’s only a little one, and it’s not real, but it’ll help make the place look more festive.”

Jared had always loved Christmas; the preparation, the decorations, the food, the buying of presents, in fact the whole thing. This year was going to be different though. He couldn’t help but get drawn in by Jensen’s enthusiasm as he got the small two-foot tree out of the box. It was black, which would suit the minimalistic décor of their apartment. Jensen put it on a corner table and primped the branches until they looked just right, then he delved into a carrier bag and retrieved some tinsel and baubles that were a shade of turquoise that matched the accents they had used when designing the room. The cushions on the couch were just the same shade. 

“Hey, you’re pretty good at this,” Jared mused as Jensen wound tinsel in an artistic manner, all the while stepping back to admire it. 

“Yeah, I’m not bad, am I?” he said as he turned to smile at Jared, then bent down to give him a sound kiss. “I’m gonna go get my presents and put them under it.” 

This year Jared had shopped online at Amazon, and had his presents delivered to Jeff’s. Jeff had promised to wrap them so they would be a surprise to Jensen. Jared allowed himself a small smile. Jensen made him so happy, and surprisingly, Jensen still seemed happy with him too. He marvelled at his boyfriend’s strength. There had been times when Jared had been ready to give up, when he would have embraced death willingly, but Jensen had bullied him, nagged, chided and loved him, until Jared had wanted to live too. Yeah, Jensen was a wonder. Jared just wished he had as much to offer in return.

Jensen came back holding several artfully wrapped gifts, all in black and turquoise.

“You missed your calling as an interior designer,” Jared quipped. Jensen just smiled smugly and nodded. 

“Yep, I am pretty good at it.” 

“You’re pretty gay.” Jared smirked.

“Yes, I am.” Jensen grinned and planted another wet kiss on Jared’s lips. 

“And I thank God everyday that you are,” Jared murmured against Jensen’s lips as he deepened the kiss. 

Christmas morning came with little fanfare. Chad, Jared’s new personal assistant, arrived a little earlier than usual, so that he could get home to spend time with his own family. Chad was cut from the same cloth as Darren; in fact Darren had recommended him. Chad knew Darren from the services. Although they hadn’t served in the same regiment, as medical personnel their paths had crossed enough for them to become friends. Chad had been medically discharged after a close encounter with an IED had left him without his lower left leg, although looking at him you would never know. His disability didn’t slow him down or curtail any of his actions. He worked proficiently to use the hoist to get Jared into his chair and from there to the bathroom. A humiliating half-hour later, Jared had empty bowels and had a clean body. He was surprised at how even five months down the road he was still embarrassed about it all, although it was getting slightly easier. He could tune the bad stuff out a bit now. Jensen had wanted to give Chad the day off, it was Christmas after all, but on seeing Jared’s horrified face he had relented. There was no way Jared was ever going to let Jensen do that sort of intimate care for him. He wanted their relationship to be one of boyfriend and boyfriend not caregiver and patient. 

“There we go,” said Chad. His lilting Welsh accent was like a balm and Jared smiled. 

“Go home and kiss your missus and kids, and have a happy Christmas. Thanks for taking time out of your day to come and see to an old cripple.”

Chad punched him on the shoulder, which Jared couldn’t feel except for the vibration in his neck, but it made him smile. It kinda made him feel whole again, even for a moment, like Chad was treating him as an able-bodied man.

“Well, I’ll be back to put this old cripple to bed later,” Chad said “And where’s my Christmas kiss?” He reached down for a smooch and Jared turned his neck in mock disgust.

“Get out of here,” he moaned, and Chad headed for the door, Jared could still hear him chuckling as Jensen popped his head around the door.

“All decent?” 

“Well, I’m dressed, but I don’t know about decent.” He waggled his eyebrows lecherously.

“You’re so bad,” Jensen said, sitting down on Jared’s lap and nuzzling his neck. “I don’t know why I put up with you really.” 

“Nor do I,” Jared said, and felt the truth in that statement gnaw at the back of his mind. He tried to ignore it as he continued, “Happy Christmas, baby.”

“Happy Christmas. I’m so glad we’re here together. It almost seemed like we wouldn’t make it.” 

Jared knew what he was saying was true; it was hit and miss whether he would survive the fall physically, and then his mental health had suffered in the days following his awakening. But, he was here now, and Jensen was here looking at him with such adoration, that only one thing would make it perfect, but unfortunately miracles were few and far between, even at Christmas. Pushing those negative thoughts away, Jared lost himself to the kiss. His hot boyfriend was an incredible distraction, and Jared was getting good at denying the black misery that was festering in the corners of his mind.

jan_04

 

Jared had always topped in their relationship. It was how they both liked it. Jensen had always liked the fact that Jared was bigger than him and could manhandle him. He had blushed when he admitted how much it turned him on. Jared had to admit that he liked it too. It made him feel primitive, tribal even, and yeah, they’d had a wonderful sex life. The doctors and rehab staff had said that they could still have a sex life, but it would be different now. No kidding, thought Jared morosely. He could still get an erection; he couldn’t feel it, but it still happened, so feasibly he could ejaculate. Jared guessed it was time to try it out, but there was an awful lot of preparation involved for something that had once been so spontaneous, but beggars can’t be choosers. Jared still desired his boyfriend. Who wouldn’t? Jensen was gorgeous and he wanted so badly to touch him, make him sigh and groan like he once had. Well, they’d done their research, and bought that special pillow to prop Jared up on, and they were going to try and have sex. Jared felt more nervous than a virgin. 

“I think I should just stimulate you, and then ride you like a pony.” Jensen smirked. “I shall just use you for my pleasure.” Jared felt his face heat and felt even more virginal.

“Or you could fuck me. We have the pillow.” Jared said. He felt as tentative as kitten taking its first steps.

“Well, shall we just get naked and see what happens?” Jensen said with a waggle of his eyebrows. 

“Sounds like a plan,” Jared said, wishing he could just reach out and caress his lover. It didn’t need to be sexual; he just wanted to feel the warmth of Jensen’s skin against his fingertips. He could remember what it felt like, soft and warm, but he could also remember the strength of the muscles flexing beneath. He let out an exasperated moan. Some days it felt like he was living a never-ending nightmare. 

After a considerable amount of cringe-worthy YouTube videos, Jared had decided to use the Liberator Ramp, which was a pillow that would help maintain various positions. The videos explained how sex would be, not flinching away from any of the more unpleasant things that might happen. The good Doctor went as far as discussing the possibility of bowel or bladder accidents, which just made Jared go cold. He was going to make damn sure that didn’t happen when he was being intimate with Jensen. He would ensure that it was nowhere near to the time when he normally moved his bowels, and he would pee first. He was quite intrigued by the ramp; apparently, if he stayed in his chair and Jensen lay on the bed propped by the ramp then he could possibly fellate him. Jared wasn’t totally sure he had enough mobility in his neck to give a good blowjob, but he would try his darnndest!

It was sad in a way, how much planning had to go into something that had once been so natural? Chad had already undressed Jared so all Jensen had to do was take off his boxers. That wasn’t such an easy task as Jared couldn’t lift his buttocks from the bed to help with the process. Jensen wasn’t easily deterred, however. A few hefty tugs later and Jared was in his birthday suit. 

He watched as Jensen’s hands caressed his body and felt disappointed that he couldn’t feel it. But, watching as Jensen’s hands moved slowly down his body in a lazy meander, he could almost fool himself that he could feel a ghost of a touch, as if a soft breeze had just caught the hairs on his legs and caused his skin to turn to gooseflesh. Jensen kissed his hipbone, the definition of his abs had long since softened, but if Jensen’s harsh gasp was anything to go by he was still attracted to Jared. Jared watched as his boyfriend worshipped his body. It was almost like watching a pornographic movie, incredibly erotic, but Jared felt slightly removed from it all until Jensen kissed him. Jensen had the best lips for kissing, plump and soft, and boy could he use them. Gentle pecks increased in intensity until Jared could barely breathe and then Jensen’s tongue caressed the seam of Jared’s lips until they opened, giving him access. Jared had never been submissive in kissing, but this felt new and exciting, and Jensen taking the lead was incredibly hot. 

“I want you,” Jensen gasped.

And Jared wanted that, too. Maybe it was true that arousal was mainly in the brain because he felt aroused; he felt ready for sex. He wanted sex, dammit.

“Yes,” he replied. “Do you want to fuck me?” Jared had never particularly liked bottoming, but it wasn’t like he was going to feel it. That thought was like a bucket of ice water over his arousal. 

“No, I want to ride you like a cowboy,” Jensen said. His voice was thick with arousal until it broke at the end into a very unmanly giggle. 

“Sorry,” he wheezed, “that was so inappropriate, but who even talks like that?”

Jared shook his head, “I dunno, but you were doing so well. I quite like the idea of a naked cowboy riding me.”

“You’re on,” Jensen said and started kissing down his body in the direction of his penis, his incredibly flaccid penis.

Jared was glad he was propped up, as the living porn show was amazing. Jensen looked up at him through his dark eyelashes, a lascivious grin on his face. He opened his mouth and took Jared’s cock in. Hell, he wished he could feel something, anything, he wouldn’t mind never walking again if only he could feel the warm moistness of his boyfriend’s mouth. 

Jensen was moaning, soft and low, Jared could guarantee that it would feel wonderful, but as it was the visual was pretty good. He could see his cock thickening in Jensen’s mouth and felt a sense of pride, but he couldn’t help but wish that he could reach down and ruffle Jensen’s hair, or maybe tug on it a little. He closed his eyes briefly, just for a second, and imagined that he was an active participant. He hated missing the action though, so he opened his eyes again and enjoyed the scene in front of him. 

Jensen pulled off his dick, and it stood there proud, ruddy and spit damp. Jensen was opening the lube, all the while looking Jared in the eye with an intensity that was obscene. He slathered his fingers with lube and reached around behind himself.

“I want to see,” Jared croaked, his tongue feeling too big for his mouth.

Jensen smiled and turned around, totally unashamed. Jared watched as he inserted one finger and he heard a gasp as Jensen began working it in and out. The display was lewd and dirty, and perhaps the hottest thing Jared had ever seen. His cock certainly agreed. 

Jensen removed his finger and added extra lube and then worked two in side-by-side as he looked over his shoulder at Jared in a manner that could only be described as sultry. The two fingers worked in sync, stretching and preparing until Jensen decided that he was stretched enough and removed them, wiping residue on the sheets. 

Jensen crawled up the bed like a feline predator, and Jared swallowed past the lump in his throat. Jensen kissed him on the lips. The kiss became harsh and violent, a duel between two desperate men as Jensen straddled Jared’s legs.

“You good?” he asked as he reached below himself, and although Jared could no longer see what was going on anymore than he could feel it, he could tell by Jensen’s face that he was now penetrating his lover.

He couldn’t feel anything, he couldn’t do anything, and this all felt wrong. It was like he was a bystander, a voyeur. He felt uncomfortable, but Jensen was here, his eyes were closed and his skin flush. He was moving and chasing his own pleasure as Jared lay propped up unable to touch or do anything. Jared could feel tears fall down his cheeks but he kept quiet. He didn’t want to spoil Jensen’s fun. He knew this wasn’t right, this wasn’t the way sex was supposed to be, he was never going to have proper sex again and then he couldn’t hold his sob in. 

Jensen’s eyes flew open. When he saw Jared’s distress he paled and stopped moving.

“Jared?” he asked, confusion colouring his voice.

He climbed off and moved to Jared’s side, enveloping him in his arms. “Baby? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t,” Jared whispered brokenly.

And he couldn’t, he just couldn’t continue with this. It was like he was a spectator in his own life, viewing it from a long way away. He loved Jensen and he wanted him to be happy, he wanted him to have a fulfilling sex life, but that wasn’t going to happen with him. He had been deluding himself.

“Come on now, it doesn’t matter. Shh,” Jensen murmured, snuggling into Jared’s side.

Jared realised he was sobbing and tried to quell his emotions.

“Stop thinking so much,” Jensen whispered. “Sex isn’t important, the fact that I love you and you love me, that’s what’s important.” He reached out and pulled a tissue from the box on the bedside table, and wiped Jared’s eyes and nose. “Blow,” he said, and Jared did, feeling weak and worn down.

“I do love you, but I don’t know whether I can do this… It’s too hard.” Jared closed his eyes and tried to remember how it had once felt to have a naked man in his arms, to want to pleasure him, and receive pleasure in return. He tried to remember the time when he would have loved to be lying here with his lover, when sex was a wonder and not a stress. Now it all seemed so difficult, insurmountable even. 

“Shhh,” Jensen soothed. “Let’s just go to sleep and it’ll all seem better in the morning.”

Jared really hoped it would because right at this moment in time he knew he would rather be dead than have to face looking Jensen in the eye again.

feb_06

 

“How’s the editing coming on?”

“Well, it’s not Shakespeare but it’s not a bad story, and I’m not having to use my trusty red pen too much,” Jared responded, waggling his eyebrows. 

He liked to think that he had quite an expressive face before the accident, but since then he had exercised the muscles in his face – after all they were the only ones he had any control over. He had sat in front of a mirror and practiced raising first one eyebrow and then the other and now he could do them both independently. Jensen had caught him one day and had mocked him ruthlessly ever since. 

“How’s the architecting?”

Jensen groaned. “You think you’re funny, don’t you? Well, it’s coming along; I think it’s going to look pretty good. Jeff seems pleased.”

“How is the old man?”

“Well, he certainly knows what he wants that’s for sure. I don’t think Dani has had a look in on the designs.”

“I’m glad he finally asked her out, I was starting to worry that he would end up lonely.”

“Yeah, and from the sound of it the wedding is going to be something else.”  
Jared felt a tightening in his throat at the thought of having to go to the wedding. Of course he wanted to be there to see his boss finally marry the woman of his dreams, but the thought of having to be out in public among people that knew him filled him with dread. There was so much to consider before going out. He had to make sure he had been to the toilet because he didn’t want any accidents. Then there was all the hardware required. His chair was a work of art and suited his needs perfectly. The headrest supported his head well, the portable ventilator, just in case, and then he would be good to go. Of course, if the venue had stairs or curbs, then Jared may as well stay home anyway. The chair was so heavy that it would take half of the wedding party to lift him and it. 

Jared could feel the weight of his gloom descend. Over the years he had managed to keep it pretty much at bay, but at times like this it would sneak in. Jared could remember a time when he could get up ten minutes before he had to leave the house, take a quick shower, and he could be out the door and on his way to work. He didn’t have to wait while Jensen and Chad prepared him with military precision. 

Sighing, he looked at his boyfriend and nodded. 

“Yeah, I’m sure it’ll be great. I just worry that…” he tailed off and Jensen smiled, causing those attractive little wrinkles at the corner of his eyes.

“Jeff told me he made sure the place was fully accessible, so you don’t need to worry. We’ll have a great time.” 

Jared felt like the walls were closing in on him, but he just smiled and concurred. What he really wanted to say was that he was afraid to go out for any length of time; he was particularly scared that he might have a bowel movement. It wasn’t likely to happen as he normally needed help in that area, but if he ate the wrong thing and it disagreed with him, then there could be horrendous embarrassment. It had happened before but that had been a long time ago. Once had been enough though, and his face still burned at the memory.

sep_05

Jared was excited to leave the house; it had been such a long time. He wished they could afford a place with a balcony that he could just roll out onto then he could have fresh air whenever he wanted. 

Jensen had decided that they needed a day out. Jared knew it took a lot of preparation, but Jensen seemed as excited as he was. Chad had helped make sure that Jared was ready and Jensen walked beside him as he propelled the chair by blowing in the tube. He was a bit of an expert now and could manoeuvre it around even the smallest obstacles. 

It was a lovely day. Summer was just packing up its bags and autumn was waiting around the corner, but the sun was high and warm, and the air smelt of the last flowers of the year. It was wonderful. 

“We should do this more often,” said Jensen as he took a deep breath and turned to smile at Jared.

“Yeah, I think I’d like that.”

Their home was located in a small residential area comprising mainly of old Victorian town houses, most of which had been converted into apartments. The streets were tree-lined and quiet at this time of day. Later in the year, when the leaves fell from the trees, Jared would have a bit more difficulty with the chair. Today, though, he moved with ease down the wide pavement with Jensen at his side. It was days like this he felt lucky to be alive. Of course he wanted more, he wanted to be able to run and walk, touch and caress, hell, he wanted to drive, swim and play football. Wanting the things he couldn’t have only made him miserable so Jared closed the box in his mind and locked it tight, and breathed deeply of the summer air and felt the tension leave his body. 

“It’s beautiful out here. “

“Mmm,” Jared agreed, “I’d forgotten how much I love the outdoors. If only there wasn’t so much involved in me leaving the house.”

“Maybe the fact that we have to make an effort makes it all the sweeter,” Jensen said as he turned to Jared, the smile still broad on his face.

“Hmm,” Jared agreed. 

They wandered down the hill to the roundabout, and then after navigating the crossroads, they travelled on up the hill towards town centre. The chair hummed gently as it moved, and although some people looked away in embarrassment when they saw Jared, far more people smiled at him. That small kindness made Jared happy

“Shall we go to the Barbican?” asked Jensen. The Barbican was one of the oldest parts of Plymouth, an old fishing port with small winding cobblestone streets and seventeenth century houses. It was picturesque and packed with small coffee shops and bistros.

“Not sure I’ll be able to get around up there,” Jared said, looking down at his chair.

“Hmmm. I’m sure we will manage and if not we’ll just head back towards town.”

Jared concurred. He loved the Barbican and it would be nice to see the fishing boats coming in, and admire the hustle and bustle of the tourists. Besides Jensen was right; If he couldn’t make it then they could just turn around and come back. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

As it turned out, the cobbled streets were the least of his problems. The footpaths were all wheelchair accessible with dropped curbs, and even crossing the cobbled streets wasn’t too much of a problem. Jared enjoyed the salty sea air. It made him feel alive again. 

“Do you want to grab a tea?” Jensen gestured towards a small coffee shop. It had external seating, which was a blessing, so Jared agreed. Jensen popped inside to pick up their drinks as Jared positioned himself at a table. He noticed the inquisitive looks from the other patrons but he had enough experience by now to just ignore them. Children were the worst; they looked at him with such intensity, and sometimes they would even come and ask him why he was in the chair. Jared could at least admire their honesty, but he didn’t feel like smiling and telling his story today so he pointedly ignored the onlookers and waited for Jensen. 

When Jensen got back they sat and looked over the harbour together. It was beautiful, the way the light caught the water, and even the slight smell of fish was pleasant in the soft warm breeze. 

Jensen transferred Jared’s tea to his special cup and gave him a drink. Jared watched out of the corner of his eyes as one woman winced with embarrassment and looked quickly away. Think yourself lucky, Jared thought nastily. This could have just as easily been you. It wasn’t as if he had been skydiving or acting in a reckless manner, it had just been the most stupid accident ever. 

“I got us scones,” Jensen said as he split one and slathered it with jam and clotted cream.

“I did notice,” Jared said as his mouth watered. How long had it been since he had tasted a scone? Months? Years, it felt like.

Jensen offered him a bite and the first taste was like an oral orgasm. The sweet jam, the cream, and the crunch of the outside of the scone giving way to the soft, moist interior, was like a dance of joy on his taste buds. 

“God, that’s one of the best things I have had in my mouth in a long time.”

“Not the best I hope,” Jensen waggled his eyebrows lewdly.

“I said one of the best!” Jared said returning his waggle with a smile.

It was almost a perfect day.

Then suddenly there was an aroma, an unpleasant aroma, and Jared died a little inside. He felt a hot flush climb his face. 

“Fuck!” 

“It’s all right, don’t worry,” he soothed, “but let’s get out of here,” Jensen said as he threw some notes on the table. As they beat a hasty retreat, Jensen spoke softly,

“Jared, honey, these things happen. Let’s just get home and get you cleaned up.”

Jared wanted to cry or scream, but he just maneuvered his chair through the streets, all pleasure gone, leaving only crushing humiliation in its place. He couldn’t even go out for the day without crapping himself. The only good thing about being a quad was that he couldn’t feel any discomfort down there, but he could smell himself, and only hoped and prayed that others couldn’t.

“Jared, it’s all right,” Jensen reiterated. His hand grazed Jared’s hair. 

Jared just wanted to run away as far and as fast as possible, but as he couldn’t do that so he just laughed until tears ran down his face, and then he sobbed. 

Jensen was talking on his mobile so he wasn’t surprised when a van pulled up shortly after. Chad got out, put down the ramps and helped Jared into the back, securing his chair, and then he drove them home. He never once mentioned the unpleasant smell, or the fact that Jared was tear-stained and snotty. 

Once back at the apartment they took him to the bathroom, stripped him and showered him clean, until his skin glowed and he smelt of lemon and not shit. Then Chad sat him down and gave him a stern look. Jared looked back. He felt empty. A day with so much promise had been let down by his useless body. 

“I know what you’re thinking, you’re all ashamed and thinking that you never want to leave the house again. Well, that’s bullshit. Accidents like this happen, and not just for people with spinal cord injuries. Now you’re just going to have to be aware of it, and deal with it. What’s that saying from that film you like so much? ‘Get busy living or get busy dying?’ Well, take that wise man’s advice and live.”

Jared looked at Chad, He was so matter of fact, and that was why he liked him so much. He didn’t exactly feel better as such, but maybe he didn’t feel like dying either. 

“And while we’re on the subject, I think it’s time you started going to the support group at the rehab centre. It will make you feel better talking to others in similar situations.”

All Jared really wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry like a girl, He felt so weary, but Chad was right. He was stronger than this.

“It was awful,” he said brokenly, his eyes skittering from Jensen to Chad.

“It wasn’t very nice,” Chad concurred. “But it wasn’t awful. Awful is watching your friend’s legs get blown off and holding him as he dies; Awful is babies dying of cancer; Awful isn’t shitting yourself. Hell, I did it once when I was drunk off my face, and I’m supposed to have control over my bowels.” He crouched down and looked Jared in the eye. “It was an unpleasant experience, Jared, but please don’t dwell on it. We’ll prepare better next time and if it happens again then we’ll clean you up and start again.”

Jared felt hot. His face glowed with embarrassment, but Chad’s down-to-earth manner made it seem less of a big deal.

“So a support group?” Jared asked. His voice was hoarse but he felt determined in a way that he hadn’t felt in a long time. Maybe this disaster was the kick up the arse he had needed. Jensen leant down and kissed his cheek and Jared could see the pride in his eyes

 

mar_06

 

“I’ve had some really bad experiences with the ladies,” Misha said. 

Misha was a quad too, but he had much more movement in both his arms and hands. He thought himself a bit of a lothario, and always regaled the group with some story or another. Jared liked his attitude. Even if things didn’t go his way, or his body let him down, he just shrugged and laughed and moved on. Jared felt like he could learn a lot from him. Chad was right; he needed this group. It was nice reconnecting with Steve; he was still living in the group home but seemed a lot happier and content. The others in the group were Matt, who had lost the use of his legs in a rugby tackle, and Richard who was also a C4 but not handling things as well as Jared. Richard had only just come to the centre, having been in an accident just three months earlier. He was incredibly depressed and angry, so the men tried to encourage him, but nothing seemed to be working. He went from not saying anything to dismissing every success the group had discussed. 

“When I got her in bed, and my face was in her pussy, she could have cared less whether my legs and arms worked properly, let me tell you!” Misha said with a lascivious smile.

“Of course she noticed, you delusional weirdo,” Richard muttered.

“She was too busy screaming my name to notice such trivialities,” Misha replied smugly.

“Trivialities? You call not being able to use your arms and legs trivial? You’re all mad,” Richard said.

“You’re so hung up on not being able to use your arms and legs,” Misha replied incredulously, “As long as you have a tongue,” he waggled his obscenely, “then the ladies are happy.”

“God, Nurse!” Richard yelled. “Get me out of here, they’re all mad!”

“I was like him once,” Jared sighed as the nurse wheeled Richard away. “I still am sometimes,” he admitted.

“I know you’re going to think I’m lying,” Misha confessed. “But occasionally, even I get a little down.” 

“I dunno about Jared,” Steve said with a smile. “But I certainly find it hard to imagine. You’re the most upbeat quad I’ve ever met.”

“Well, I’ll take that as a compliment. But it’s true; it hasn’t all been plain sailing. I’ve had eighteen years to get used to it, though, and I like to think my winning personality still attracts the ladies. That and my dexterous tongue.” He wiggled it again.

“Stop it,” Jared snorted. “You’re traumatizing me!”

Misha giggled. “Well, I do have some news actually.” He looked almost sheepish as he continued, “Vicky and I are getting married.” 

Apart from Steve choking, the room descended into silence. 

“Wow!” Jared said eventually. “That was unexpected, but congratulations! I never thought one woman would tie you down.”

“She says I can still see other people,” he said proudly. “And therefore it’s only fair that she can too. I think this can work.”

“Well man, if it’s what you want, then we’re happy for you,” Steve agreed.“Everyone seems to be getting hitched,” Steve turned his head toward Jared, “Do you think you and Jensen will ever tie the knot?”

Jared looked at Steve, who was probably his best friend. “I would love nothing more than to marry Jensen,” he admitted. “But I don’t want to tie him down. He’s still a young man, and although I love him with all my heart and I firmly believe he loves me too, I don’t know…” he tailed off. The subject of his feelings for Jensen was all too big and confusing to put into words. Jared loved Jensen and he wanted him, but there was something that held him back. With Jensen, he became profoundly aware of his limitations, and he didn’t want to saddle Jensen with a crippled husband. That was the long and the short of it. Jensen always used to make his stomach flip and his cock fill. Now the sight of him could still make his mouth dry a little, but his traitorous body didn’t allow him to feel the other physical signs of love and arousal. He loved him but he didn’t want to hold him back.

“Do I get a say in this?” came a familiar voice, and Jared felt his heart jump into his mouth.

“Damn, you’re like a ninja, so quiet and stealthy.”

“Don’t try and change the subject, you idiot!”

Jared gave him a sheepish smile. “Of course you get a say in our relationship.”

“Good,” Jensen said as he leant over and kissed Jared. “Because I quite fancy being Mr. Padalecki-Ackles.”

Jared felt like he could get up out of the chair, like he could float right out of the room. 

“I like the idea of being Mr. Ackles-Padalecki.” Jared responded, smiling so broadly he felt like his face would ache for a month. 

“Oh my God, are you two engaged now?” Misha squeaked. “Are you trying to steal my thunder?”

Jared could feel his cheeks burn, but it was a good embarrassment. 

“Are we engaged?” Jared asked.

With a smile and a nod, Jensen agreed. “I think we are.” Jared closed his eyes as Jensen soundly kissed him.

 

april_06

 

Jensen was kissing the back of his neck. It was giving him chills. Jared often thought that because he could feel so little of his body it made the areas he could feel all the more sensitive. His neck was now his biggest erogenous zone and Jensen knew just how to exploit it. Jared wondered whether he had an erection and then dismissed it as unimportant. Since that terrible botched sexual encounter, he had pretty much given up the idea of sex. 

Jensen was breathing harshly in his ear and he wished he could make love to him, kiss him up and down his body. Lick that little hollow just near his hipbone then make his way over to the bush of pubic hair. He wanted to nuzzle it, smell the musky scent of his lover. It had been so long since he had been able to do that. 

“I love you,” he whispered as Jensen kissed around until he could kiss Jared on his mouth.

“Love you, too.” Jensen replied, kissing Jared so sweetly.

“I wish…” Jared began as he broke the kiss.

“Shhh, just this, just this is good.” 

Jared kissed him again then, pushing the dark thoughts away. “This can’t be enough for you,” he said as the kiss ended, looking up into Jensen’s sea green eyes.

“But it is, dummy, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you. I love you. This is enough, but if in the future you decide to try more again, then I’m in!”

Jensen always had a way of making him feel better, and he never pressured him. Jared didn’t know how he got so lucky.

Jensen settled himself on Jared’s lap, not something he did often, but it made Jared feel protective towards him; it was almost primeval.

“So, are you ready to set a date?”

Jared felt his mouth go dry. A huge part of him wanted desperately to marry Jensen right now, but another part, the practical part, didn’t want to tie Jensen down to a cripple. But he never could say no to Jensen so he nodded and managed a weak smile.

“I think we should get married next April, that way we won’t interfere with Misha’s wedding. You know that man wants his to be the wedding of the year. I fancy April; the weather tends to be nicer, there will be blossom on the trees, and it’s like a new start to the year and for us. What do you think?” Jensen asked.

“I think I like that idea.” Jared managed a smile. Although he still had his doubts, at least he had a year to sort them out.

 

aug_06

 

Jared’s world was a whole lot smaller now. It comprised mainly of his flat and… Yeah, that was pretty much it, he thought as he looked around the well-appointed accommodations. The paintwork was a bit scuffed now where his chair had hit the walls but, all in all it was a nice flat. He could have ended up somewhere far worse. He could still be living in the rehab centre like Steve. They went out sometimes but it was infrequent, and mainly for hospital or doctor visits. Once a week, he went to his support group. There was a time when he was rarely home, when he would be out running, or at the gym, or socialising, but now he spent a lot of time looking at the same four walls. 

Jensen always tried to get him to go out, especially now that they had their own converted van. Jared could just wheel his chair right into that baby, and they could be on their way. So there was no excuse really. Well, only Jared’s anxieties over people looking at him, or worse, of messing himself again. It sounded stupid but whenever they left the flat Jared would start to sweat, even if he was only going to group. He hadn’t had another bout of incontinence, but he still worried that it may happen, and it was that worry that was holding him back.

He knew that Jensen would like to go to the cinema, or to dinner, but Jared couldn’t bear the thought of it. If they went to the cinema it wouldn’t be too bad he supposed, at least it would be dark and as long as there weren’t any untoward accidents, but going to dinner would be the pits. Jensen would have to feed him for fuck’s sake, and everyone would look. He knew he shouldn’t let it bother him. After all, whose business was it if Jensen fed him. He could remember a time when Jensen would feed him titbits off his plate when they dined out. It was an erotic experience and anyone who looked over at them would be envious of Jensen’s attentions and definitely not pitying.

“What are you dwelling on over there?” Jensen said, looking up from his drawing board.

“I was just thinking about what a lucky man I am.” Jared lied with a smile, which he hoped looked more authentic than it felt.

Jensen gave him a sceptical look, but then seemed to take Jared’s words at face value, and returned it with a sunny smile of his own.

“I’m the lucky one,” he said as he reached over and kissed Jared’s cheek. “I can’t wait to marry you.”

The wedding plans were going well. Even Jared was feeling excited by them. Jensen’s enthusiasm was catching. They had decided on a venue that was easily accessible, but still incredibly beautiful. Boringdon Hall was an old manor house, rich with history dating back to the fourteenth century. They could host the wedding and reception there, and then stay in the beautiful guest rooms. Theirs would double as a honeymoon suite, too. Jensen had already picked out their suits, beautiful charcoal grey, light wool suits that were going to be made to measure.

“I’m so glad we’re not getting married in church, I don’t fancy dressing in morning suits,” Jared said.

“Me either, we aren’t exactly a pair of toffs, after all!”

Jared looked at his husband-to-be. He was positively glowing, but there was one thing that was worrying Jared.

“I won’t be able to put the ring on your finger,” Jared said, almost as an aside.

“Well,” Jensen said, “What we’ll do is this, “ he reached out and took Jared’s hand and guided it toward his left hand. “I’ll hold your hand and help you put the ring on me, like this,” he shrugged, “I think it’ll be more romantic.” 

It wasn’t ideal but it was a solution, so Jared just nodded. 

 

nov_06

 

It was less than six months until the wedding and Jared was having some serious doubts. He loved Jensen, and he knew Jensen loved him too, but then he would go to his support meeting, and see Steve, and sometimes he’d see Chris, Steve’s boyfriend, and all those negative thoughts would escape from that locked box in his head. Chris always appeared so attentive and loving. Jared supposed it was easy to be like that when he only saw Steve for a few hours a day. But Jared knew different. He knew what a duplicitous shit the man was. Steve was oblivious to Chris’ other life and Jared wasn’t going to spill the beans. He couldn’t help looking at Chris and watching him, and then comparing his behaviour with Jensen’s. It was stupid, really. Jensen spent all his time with Jared, and they barely had any time apart. But, there was that couple of hours when he had a meeting at work, or when he went out for drinks with his workmates, or even when he nipped out to the shops. 

It had happened about a year before. Jensen had taken him out for the day. The planning had been akin to a military operation, as usual, but Jared had been so excited to leave the home he shared with Jensen that he hadn’t cared. His chair had been in for a service so they were using a loaner, and Jensen had been pushing him down the high street. Jared had loved the hustle and bustle of it; he could even ignore the pitying stares. Then he had seen him, Chris. Jared had been about to shout his name when Chris put his arm around a slight, dark-haired man, and pulled him close before kissing him soundly. Jared’s mind froze. If he had been moving under his own steam he would have stopped. Jensen, oblivious, had kept on pushing him. 

 

feb_06

 

Chris pulled back from the kiss, his lips were swollen, and his colour was high. Then he noticed Jared. All the colour ran from his face and his eyes widened in shock. 

“Jared,” he said.

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” Jared spat. He didn’t want to entertain this man who was cheating on his friend. He didn’t want to think too much about the situation, as it was already causing all sorts of destructive thoughts to run around his head. Chris visited Steve regularly, always smiling, glowing even, like he loved Steve, like Steve was the only one for him. It was confusing; now he was here kissing someone else. Was he really such a good actor, liar? But far worse was the thought creeping insidiously into his mind, was Jensen seeing someone else. If he was, then who could blame him? It would kill Jared, but Jensen deserved more. He deserved someone who could love him both emotionally and physically. He deserved someone who could at least hold his hand. Jared could feel tears welling in his eyes and he looked up and realised Jensen had stopped and was talking to Chris.

“I know what it looks like,” Chris said and cast a shifty look in Jared’s direction.

“I’m sure it’s exactly what it looks like,” Jared said. “You’re messing around on your boyfriend.” He glared at the other man who had the grace to look embarrassed. “Your boyfriend that is a quadriplegic.”

“Look, Jared…” Chris started to speak.

“Disabled for life,” Jared continued, not giving pause. Nothing was going to stop him venting his spleen at this cheater. “...caused by your reckless driving.” 

Chris paled and the man that he’d been kissing started moving away.

“Look Chris,” he said, “you guys obviously need to talk. Call me, okay?” And then he smiled awkwardly at Jared and rushed off. 

“And the only reason you’re still walking the streets is that Steve loved you too much to press charges and now, now you’re messing around with someone else.” Jared’s voice rose in pitch. The more he talked to this man the angrier he felt.

Chris looked sheepish for a moment but then he rallied, and Jared could see his posture stiffen. Then he replied.

“Yes, I caused the accident and I will be sorry forever for that. I love Steve, but it’s been five years and I need a physical relationship.” Chris shrugged. “I will never give up on Steve, I will always be there for him, to visit him. He need never know that there are other men, but I’m sorry Jared. I need this.”

Jared could feel the crushing weight of the truth of Chris’ words. No matter how much Jensen loved him, and Jared knew that he did, their relationship was different. They were more like brothers now. Jensen would still want sex, and although feasibly Jared could give that to him, the one time they had tried it had been so far beyond awkward that Jared wasn’t inclined to try it again. Jared shuddered on the inside; Jensen must have felt like he was fucking a doll. Jared couldn’t move, couldn’t feel anything. Jared could sense tears threatening and forced them back. He didn’t need that right now. 

Chris was looking at him quizzically and Jared realised that he had asked him a question.

“Pardon?”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“No,” Jared said with a heavy heart. What was the point? It would only upset his friend. “Jensen. Can we go now, please?”

Jensen started to push him again and the world became a little blurry as the tears he had forced back started to fill his eyes. 

As Jensen pushed him down the street, Jared’s brain was racing at a hundred miles an hour. It was really the only part of him that was active nowadays, he thought wryly. He hated that Chris was cheating on Steve, but part of him understood why. He wished that he had the courage to let Jensen go, to let him have a life, to find someone to love, and get his happily ever after. He had given up so much for Jared; he had never left his bedside while he was in the hospital, had spent hours in rehab with him, and had pretty much given up a normal life to spend time with his useless boyfriend, and on top of that he had never once complained. It made Jared’s breath catch to think what sacrifices Jensen had made, and they hadn’t been through guilt. After all, Jared’s accident had been just that: a stupid accident. He tripped, for fuck’s sake! 

“Hey!” Jensen said, his head appearing over Jared’s shoulder. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Just thinking about Chris and Steve,” Jared sighed. “I didn’t expect that.”

“Me either,” Jensen agreed. “But I guess you never know what goes on inside a relationship.”

“Especially one between an able-bodied person and someone as severely disabled as Steve.” The ‘or me’ went unsaid.

“Any relationship,” Jensen said sharply. “Don’t let this put thoughts in your head. I love you, and I’ve always been faithful.” 

“I know, Jen,” Jared agreed tiredly. “I know,” he repeated and it was more of a sigh than actual words, “but sometimes I wonder whether I’m being fair to you. You should be out enjoying yourself, finding love with someone who can make you happy.”

“You make me happy,” Jensen said, and his tone brooked no further argument, but that didn’t stop Jared turning things over in his head, trying to make a decision. Trying to think of a scenario where it was fair to stay in a relationship with Jensen, trying but failing. Later he wondered whether seeing Chris with that other man had been the death knell for his relationship.

 

Jared groaned out loud as he crashed back to the present, causing the other group members to look at him quizzically. 

“What’s up? Tell Uncle Misha,” Misha said. He was grinning, but his eyes were kind.

“I’m worried that Jensen is being unfaithful to me,” Jared said. The words came out in a rush almost before he engaged his brain.

“What?” Steve laughed. “You’re kidding, right? That man loves you more than air, more than chocolate and fluffy bunnies.”

Jared couldn’t help the glance he gave Chris before answering, “I know he loves me. I don’t doubt that in the slightest. I just worry that he will go elsewhere for what I can’t give him, and who could blame him?” Jared cast a glance around the other group members.

“You’re right to worry.” Richard said. He was less bitter now and involved himself in the group more, but he was still clearly depressed. “I’ve told my wife to take other lovers, and that if she wants to divorce me then I won’t contest it.” He looked down. “Of course, part of me wants her to say no, but…” he tailed off.

“You’re both wrong,” Misha said. “Okay, so things are different now, but we are the exact same people that they fell in love with. We just have to do things differently.” Of course, he poked out his tongue lewdly and waggled his eyebrows to underline what he meant. Jared couldn’t help huffing with laughter; Misha always knew how to lighten a dark moment. “You know what this is? Pre wedding jitters!” Misha nodded sagely, “I had them too, but then the day was perfect. Vicki is perfect, and I couldn’t be happier.” He smiled smugly.

Jared was happy for his friend, and he had to admit that the wedding had been wonderful. It seemed like all his friends were marrying. Jeff’s wedding had taken place over the summer and although Jared hadn’t looked forward to it, he had ended up enjoying it. However, it had been very low key in comparison to Misha’s wedding. Misha had been on top form. He had embarrassed the staff by asking if they had ever had to cater for a cripple’s day out before. Even Jared had laughed until his face had burned, but that might have been the couple of glasses of wine he had drunk. He hadn’t drunk for a while and the alcohol had gone straight to his head, leaving him pleasantly buzzed.

Misha and Vicki had looked lovely, and so incredibly happy that it made Jared’s heart twinge. Everyone had a good time, even Richard had smiled, and no one had commented when a group of slightly drunk quadriplegics took over the dance floor when they played Queen’s “Don’t Stop me Now”. Then they had ‘danced’ in a jumble of wheels and broken bodies. Jared hadn’t laughed as much as he had that night, at least not since the accident. The look of contentment on Jensen’s face had been worth the anxiety that he had suffered in the days preceding the wedding. Yeah, it had been a really good night.

“You don’t need to worry about Jensen,” said Steve, bringing Jared back to reality, “your relationship is as strong as mine and Chris’s.” He smiled at Chris, and a blind man could’ve seen the love in his eyes.

Jared didn’t say anything. He was good at holding his tongue around Chris, but he couldn’t help the mutinous thought: That’s what I’m worried about.

Jensen came to pick him up with the van, and Jared could tell by his concerned face that Jensen knew he was having a crisis. Jared tried his hardest to smile; he hoped it looked better than it felt.

“Hey, you.” Jensen kissed him and Jared could feel the soft rub of stubble on his face and could smell the clean, musky scent that was all Jensen. It smelt like home, and he let himself relax. What was the point of What Ifs? He loved Jensen and surely that was all that mattered?

feb_07

Jared had barely slept; he’d had a terrible night. He couldn’t toss and turn, but he knew if he had been able to then he would have. He felt odd, his head was pounding, and he felt hot. He just wanted to sleep but the headache was making him feel sick. Jensen was fast asleep next to him, and although Jared was loath to wake him, he knew something was wrong, and that he needed a painkiller.

“Jensen,” he moaned. He knew he sounded pathetic, but he couldn’t muster a stronger voice.

“Hmmph,” Jensen replied, stirring and opening an eye. He took one look at Jared and sat up immediately. “Fuck, you look awful.” His hand went to Jared’s face. “God you’re burning up! How do you feel?”

“Head hurts,” Jared managed, though that was an understatement. He felt like his head was going to explode. 

“Fuck,” Jensen said, pulling on his boxers as he was pressing keys on the phone. “I think this is that AD thing they warned us about.” 

He rubbed Jared’s shoulder comfortingly before he rushed into the bathroom. His voice was soothing, although Jared couldn’t make out the words. It was just good that he wasn’t alone; he didn’t want to die alone. He closed his eyes against the pain and let the darkness surround him. The next thing he knew, he was in an ambulance. The ride was bumpy and noisy and the equipment rattled as they rushed to the hospital.

“You did the right thing, bringing him in,” the young doctor said to Jensen. “He needs an anti-hypertensive, and we need to find out what caused this.”

Jensen nodded and Jared could almost see the relief coursing through his boyfriend’s body. He was just glad that Jensen had remembered the symptoms of Autonomic Dysreflexia. They had been told of the potential complications of quadriplegia before he had moved out of the rehab centre, but Jared had just been so glad to get home he hadn’t ever considered that they would ever have to deal with it. Autonomic Dysrelexia was a serious condition that could affect those with spinal cord injuries; it had a quick onset and was potentially life-threatening, causing high blood pressure and throbbing headaches.

“So,” the doctor said to Jared, “are you feeling better?” He was a young man, too young for all the responsibility of his chosen profession, Jared thought as he looked at his caretaker’s unlined face.

Jared nodded, not quite trusting his voice. He felt much better, though his head still hurt. It wasn’t the all-consuming pain that he had experienced earlier. 

“Well, it looks like you’ve picked up a urinary tract infection, and so we’re going to blast that with antibiotics, and you’ll feel a whole lot better soon.” The doctor smiled at Jared who couldn’t help but feel relief at his words. He thought that maybe he could sleep now, and when he woke up he would feel like himself again, so he closed his eyes and let himself drift.

“I was so worried about you,” Jensen said. Jared could hear his voice coming from far away, pulling him back to consciousness. “I thought I was going to lose you; you looked so weak, I thought you wouldn’t come back from it this time and I just couldn’t bear it.” 

Jared kept his eyes closed; he knew he had been a worry to Jensen. First, the accident, then there had been the chest infection that nearly killed him. He had been in the hospital for a fortnight with that one, and now this. Could he keep putting Jensen through all this worry? He loved Jensen with all his heart but even he couldn’t deny that their relationship had changed over the recent years. Well it would have, wouldn’t it? One party couldn’t move, so wasn’t there bound to be some changes? They still talked and spent time together, Jensen would hug and kiss him, and in that respect their relationship was sort of sexual. But there was no actual sex. They had tried once, but it hadn’t really been successful and Jared didn’t like to think about it.

 

mar_07

 

Whoever said love conquered all was a fucking liar. Jared was looking out the window; the world outside was cold, the sunshine weak and wintery, barely melting the hard frost that decorated the garden. The trees were still naked and slightly sinister, but Jared didn’t really care. The bleak landscape matched his mood.

Jensen was out, fuck knows where. It was probably innocent; he was probably called into work like he had said, but Jared couldn’t know that. It wasn’t as if he could check Jensen’s messages or phone log. His stomach roiled. How had he turned into this? There was a time, before the accident, where he would never have considered invading Jensen’s privacy in that way. Now, well, now he would without a second thought. He needed to know whether Jensen was fooling around on him. 

Jared could feel the pounding in his head, and knew was getting himself worked up over nothing. It was all Chris’ fault, if only the man could have been faithful to his boyfriend then Jared wouldn’t be having this crisis. If only Chris wasn’t such a good liar, he wouldn’t be sitting here suspecting his own fiancé. 

Jared huffed a disgusted sigh. He had been a much nicer person when he had been able-bodied. He never felt sorry for himself, or brooded, or was even ever angry; now he was a turmoil of emotions. He had never doubted Jensen back then, either. Why would he? He could satisfy Jensen’s every need then. This overthinking was achieving nothing. It was just making him feel worse, but he couldn’t talk himself out of it. At least he wasn’t crying. No, he was too angry for that. 

A few seconds later he heard Jensen’s key in the lock, and all the fury and insecurity he had been holding in over the last few months erupted.

“Where the fuck have you been?” 

Jensen was smiling as he entered but the harsh words chased that smile away. 

“I’ve been to work for a meeting.”

“You’ve been gone over two hours,” Jared said, feeling the pulse in his neck quicken and his face burn. He was being ridiculous, he realised. Jensen often had meetings that lasted over two hours.

“I…” Jensen spluttered. “What’s this all about, Jared?”

“Don’t deflect, Jensen. Who have you been sleeping with?” Jared could have bitten his tongue. He hadn’t meant to say that; he had no proof of any infidelities and it was only his insecurities speaking, but his mouth wouldn’t shut up. “Is it David? I’ve seen the way he looks at you.” And at me, Jared thought. The man looked at Jared as if he was something nasty he had stepped in. 

Jensen’s face closed up, his lips thinned, and he walked towards Jared and leaned over him using the arms of the wheelchair as support. “I have never been unfaithful to you. Ever. I’m marrying you in two months, you idiot. I love you, although listening to you today makes me wonder whether you love me,” he spat.

“Well, you don’t have to worry that I’m out shagging around,” Jared retorted, well in for a penny and all that.

Jensen stood up and Jared hoped he would never see that look on his face again. It was a mix of horrified and angry, seasoned with a healthy smattering of hurt. 

“I can’t believe you just said that.” Jensen seemed to be on the verge of saying something else, but just rubbed his jaw and turned and went into their bedroom, slamming the door after him. It was only then that Jared let the tears flow. He didn’t even know why he had picked the fight. He didn’t know why he felt so much more insecure now, in the run up to the wedding, but he did. 

Maybe it was the stress of knowing that if Jensen did say his vows, and then walked away, that it would kill him. Struggling to breathe through the mucus and tears, Jared wondered whether he would die today, wouldn’t that be ironic? Just as things got dangerous and Jared was having to fight to breathe, Jensen opened the bedroom door. His face was still fraught with fury, but upon noticing Jared’s condition he rushed to him, and helped him blow his nose, and then clear his airway.

“Jared,” he said when they had finished. “Please don’t ever doubt my love and devotion for you. You’re it for me.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t help the way I think. I’m sitting here all day and when you’re not here, all I have is time to go over stuff in my head,” Jared said. His words sounded pathetic even to him.

“I know.” Jensen kissed Jared’s forehead, and wiped his tears. “You should surf porn or something,” he smiled.

“What? Cripple porn?” Jared snarked, but Jensen just ignored him.

“Whatever porn you like.” He smiled and kissed Jared again.

Jared felt calmer after his breakdown, but the insidious voice at the back of his head was still whispering to him, telling him he was worthless and that Jensen would be better off without him, and Jared couldn’t help agreeing with it. Then Jensen nuzzled his neck and all those negative thoughts skittered to the dark corners of his mind like roaches when a light was switched on, and then there was only Jensen, filling his life, being his life.

 

may_07

 

Jared looked at the dingy ceiling of the rehab centre. He was on a first name basis with each blemish now. He had been back in rehab for three weeks, and he had heard the doctor discussing whether he was well enough to be discharged. Jared wasn’t ill, well not physically, he was severely depressed, and even he knew that. He should be married now, he should be spending time with his husband, but instead he was back here, and it was all his own fault.

As the wedding approached that insidious voice in his head had grown louder and louder, telling him he was ruining Jensen’s life. Jared had fought it even though he couldn’t help but agree. He was tying Jensen to a cripple, it wasn’t like there was some treatment or complicated operation he could undergo that would fix him. This was as good as it was going to be, and although Jensen said it was enough for him, was it really? Jared’s mind had gone around and around, mulling it over, and then he knew what he had to do. He had known even when they had agreed to get married that it was wrong and he couldn’t do it to Jensen. So, he had called it off.

The argument had been so apocalyptic; he was surprised that there hadn’t been a huge thunderstorm to complement it. He had yelled at Jensen, telling him how he didn’t want to tie him down, and Jensen had yelled back that Jared was a stupid, selfish bastard, only ever thinking about how Jared felt. That Jared didn’t know how Jensen felt, and if he did he would get his ass to Boringdon hall and marry him right the hell now. 

“Jensen,” Jared had sighed. “You’re right, I am selfish, but I cannot go on like this. I love you, don’t ever doubt that, but this is killing me, being around you and not being able to touch you. I just want to touch you, feel your skin, trace your freckles.” Jared could hardly get the words out; he had been holding them in so long. “It’s killing me Jensen, day by day, minute by minute. I can’t put my arm around you, or reach out to kiss you, I can’t snuggle with you on the sofa or make love to you when we go to bed.” He laughed bitterly. “I can’t even go to bed by myself. Hell, I can’t even shit without help, unless I don’t want to, of course, and then I crap myself.” It was like someone had turned on a tap and all the things that had been unsaid were suddenly flowing out. “I’ve tried, God help me I’ve tried to be what you want me to be. I’ve had physio, I’ve gone to group, I’ve started working and doing as much as I can for myself. I’ve hidden my negative feelings and tried to be as happy as possible for you.”

“Jared,” Jensen said, tears running down his face. “I want you to be happy, I don’t want you to pretend to be happy, for God’s sake.” Jensen crouched down in front of Jared. “You and me, it’s us against the world.” Jensen took hold of Jared’s lifeless hand; Jared could see him stroke it with his thumb. It just brought everything into focus. 

“I can’t feel that,” he said, his voice was barely a whisper. “It’s killing me.” He said as the tears fell.

They hadn’t married on that early spring day, when just as Jensen had predicted, the trees were blossoming and the weather was improving. Instead, Jared was taken into rehab and put on a regime of anti-depressants. He didn’t feel better, exactly. He felt numb, but at least numb wasn’t the core deep agony he had felt when he forced Jensen out of the door and out of his life. He felt so much worse than when he had discovered that he had lost use of his arms and legs. Now he felt like he had lost a limb. It was for the best, though; or that’s what he kept telling himself as he looked at the scarred, grey ceiling. It was for the best. Jensen was free. Jared would survive this and one day he would feel better.

 

july_07

 

“I told him to leave, but I only half meant it.” Jared sighed. His eyes skittered around the fading room. Sun-bleached wallpaper adorned the walls and worn sofas were dotted around the place - making sure there was plenty of space between, for the transit of the many wheel-chaired residents. “No, that’s not true,” he continued. “I did mean it. I meant it with all my heart. I wanted him to go. I couldn’t bear seeing him every day. The look in his eye, the terrible loss…” he tapered off, took a breath and steeled himself and continued, “My paralysis affected him as much as me, sometimes I think more.” He looked at Steve. “I knew I would be alright. I would mourn the loss of our relationship, but really we’d lost it a long time ago. Three years, eleven months and seventeen days before he left, that’s when we lost our relationship. That day I tripped, or slipped, or was pushed, or whatever the hell happened, that’s when it was over. It just took us a long time to realise and let go.” Jared could feel the tears brewing in his eyes and forced them away. There was nothing worse than crying when you couldn’t wipe your eyes, or worse, your nose. 

“Don’t you miss him?” Steve asked.

“With every breath,” Jared answered honestly. “Every waking moment I think of him, remember him, I yearn for him. And when I sleep, I dream of him and it’s wonderful. I can walk, and hold him, and make love to him. In my dreams… it’s perfect.” He smiled a bittersweet smile. “But I don’t regret letting him go. Just because my life is over doesn’t mean his has to be.” 

Jared saw Steve wince and he smiled a small, sad smile. “I love him so I let him go.”

“I could never let Chris go.” Steve’s eyes had that faraway look of remembrance in them. “I can’t...” he tailed off. “I couldn’t live without him,” he said, and Jared saw the brightness in his eyes of unshed tears.

“And I couldn’t let you go either, idiot,” came a gruff voice as Chris entered the room and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek. Steve glowed with happiness. 

Jared watched the interchange and in many ways it was heart-warming, but another part of Jared couldn’t help falling into cynicism. Steve was a quad just like him. He could move a finger, which was actually more than Jared could do, but in the grand scheme of things that was barely worth mentioning. He was a piece of useless meat, much like Jared. But his brain still wanted to live and love, against the odds. It made Jared even sadder. 

“Hey Jared,” Chris said. “You’re not depressing my boy, are you?” He gave Jared a warning glare.

Jared gave a small shake of the head; it was all his ravaged body could manage. He didn’t want to talk to Chris. He knew Chris’ secret and it made him angry. He wanted to move from the lounge but until his caretaker came to take him home he was stuck. Jared still visited the centre once a week to attend the support group, but it was also mainly to catch up with Steve who he had befriended shortly after his accident. Steve looked adoringly at Chris and it made Jared want to hit him or shout at him, but he didn’t. Why spoil things for Steve? Ignorance is bliss, after all. Jared couldn’t help but think back to the day Chris had inadvertently planted the seed in Jared’s mind, the seed that grew into a tree of distrust and self-hatred that that helped make up Jared’s mind about his own relationship. 

 

dec_13

 

It was an ordinary winter’s day, just like the many others Jared had experienced since Jensen had left (okay, since Jared had forced him to go). Things had gotten better, albeit slowly. He no longer had to take the anti-depressants, and that was a good step forward. They had fogged up his mind and he had missed the sharpness of his thoughts, but at least they had shut up that stupid voice in his head. For that he was grateful. He had gotten out of rehab again, and it had been both a blessing and curse to go home. 

The place felt empty without Jensen. All his stuff was gone, but that wasn’t the worst of it. It was the absence of Jensen that made his heart ache. He hadn’t realised what a presence the man had in their home. He had filled their apartment with his good humour and love. Now it was empty and grey. It was what Jared had asked for though; in fact, he had demanded it. So now he had to live with the consequences of his actions. 

It had taken time, but eventually he could go to sleep at night without crying. Eventually he could work without his mind wondering what Jensen was doing, whether he was seeing someone else, whether he was happy. Jared had closed the door on that part of his life and he made sure that anyone who visited didn’t bring news of Jensen. All his friends respected his wishes, even Jeff who’d initially had some choice words for Jared. 

“You broke his heart, you know, and I can tell you broke your own. Why don’t you just get back together and forget all this silliness?” he had said. Jared didn’t have the words to answer that, so he just shrugged and then he cried. Jeff didn’t bring it up again.

Slowly, a new normal evolved. Jared worked more; he even had time to write that book he had always talked about. It had been his ambition ever since he was a kid, but he had never got around to it. After Jensen left he had nothing but time, and instead of brooding he had put the time to good use. He had self-published his book on Amazon, and it had been surprisingly well received. He even had a major publisher courting him now. He was holding them at bay, as he didn’t know whether he had another book in him. Writing this one had been a cathartic process. It was semi-autobiographical; about a man whose life had changed irrevocably as the result of a stupid accident. Once he had finished he’d felt wrung out emotionally, but he also felt better.

Jared spent a lot of time these days looking out of the window. He knew the view intimately: of the houses across the road, he could describe every nick in the paintwork of the doors. He could tell you which car belonged to each house. He could even tell you which neighbours were having affairs with each other. Some days, it felt like he was playing a part in a daytime soap opera.

Today though, there was a couple arguing as they came around the corner at the end of the road and continued down the hill towards Jared’s home. He couldn’t hear them but he could tell by the stiff posture of the smaller man and the big, effusive gestures of the larger. Then Jared’s heart stopped, literally stopped in his chest. The smaller man turned and looked up, directly at Jared. It was Jensen. There was no denying it. He looked a little thinner, his hair was a little longer, but Jared would recognise him anywhere, even though he hadn’t seen him for over six years. 

Those years they had been apart blew away like seeds from a dandelion clock, as Jared looked down at the man he loved. 

“Jensen,” he whispered.

It was almost as if Jensen saw him, because then he waved. Jared wished like hell that he could wave back but no miracles had occurred in those fallow years, so he just sat there with tears in his eyes. Then Jensen turned and hurried down the road, following the taller man, and Jared felt a pain so exquisite that it took his breath away. 

Blowing in the straw that moved his chair, he backed away from the window and moved to his desk. Chad would be arriving shortly; Jared needed more outside care now that Jensen didn’t live with him. He didn’t want Chad to see him crying, the ex-marine would only mock him. He was happy for Jensen; after all, wasn’t that why he had let him go? So that he could have more out of life than looking after a cripple? It was funny how a bit of time and distances made their problems back then seem more surmountable. If Jared had only waited then maybe they could have worked things out.

Jared used the voice commands to turn on the computer and open the document that he was working on, and used work as a distraction from seeing Jensen.

He was engrossed in the task when the doorbell sounded. That was unusual; Chad didn’t normally forget his key.

“Open door,” Jared commanded and went back to work. 

He was so absorbed in the job that when he heard the quiet cough come from behind, it made him catch his breath with shock. Turning his chair, he felt his mouth go dry. Jensen, it was Jensen.

“What?” Jared said. He seemed to have lost his grasp of the English language.

“I was…” Jensen looked at the floor, and then around the room, anywhere but at Jared. Then he took a tentative step towards him and before Jared could take a breath, Jensen was in his lap, and his hands were in Jared’s hair, and his lips were on his. Jared couldn’t breathe; this was Jensen, holding him, kissing him. 

Sensation was an odd thing. Jared could feel Jensen everywhere, everywhere. It wasn’t possible, but it was true. Jensen caressed his face and looked into Jared’s eyes. The look said everything that had been unsaid over the last six years. It said I’m sorry. I love you. Can I come home? Jared’s answer was a resounding yes as he kissed Jensen back. At first, the kisses were soft and sweet and Jared could remember the taste of Jensen, it was so familiar. he had missed it terribly. Then the kisses became harsh and demanding, their tongues duelled until the only sounds in the room was of their panting.

Jensen broke the kiss and gasped, “I love you.” Jared smiled. For the first time in a long time he felt happy.

“I love you, too.”

Nothing was discussed or dissected. Jared didn’t beg Jensen to come home nor did Jensen ask if he could. It was just understood that this was where Jensen belonged, and that he wasn’t going to leave again.

After six years of pain and mental anguish, his touchstone was there and Jared wasn’t going to let him go again.

January 2014

“I’m starting to feel like a French tart,” Jensen grumbled. Nothing could disguise the sparkle of humour in his eyes or the darkness of lust lurking just below the surface.

“Well I’m not going to draw you like one of my French girls either, if that’s what you were hoping.” Jared chuckled as Jensen launched himself onto the bed. He was wearing black lacy panties and if that didn’t make Jared’s juices flow, then nothing would. They left nothing to the imagination. If anything, the translucent material accentuated Jensen’s equipment, the shadows hinting at the silky flesh contained within. Jensen thought that perhaps he should feel embarrassed. After all, he was putting on quite a show. He didn’t. Yes, he felt slutty, but he quite liked it, and judging by Jared’s erection, so did he. 

Their sex life was far from perfect, but it was getting there. They had begun slowly. Jensen had taken the lead at first, offering to masturbate in front of Jared. Remarkably, that idea had turned out far hotter than either of them could have imagined. Jensen had stroked his dick slowly, all the while his eyes never left Jared’s, and he could almost feel the arousal coming off his lover. In the beginning Jared had been a passive partner, watching at first, then later, directing the action, and hell, wasn’t that hot. Jensen shuddered, remembering how dark and husky Jared’s voice had been. Demanding that he stroke faster, that he add another finger to his ass. Jared had missed his calling. He should have been in porn. Finally, Jared had let Jensen touch him. That had been a wonderful night. They had ended up only having an hour’s sleep after playing all night. Jensen’s particular favourite, a slim, black vibrator, had got plenty of use. He had even used it on Jared and although he couldn’t feel it, the vibrations massaged his prostate in just the right way. That and the combination of Jensen’s mouth had brought Jared off for the first time since the accident. Afterwards, Jared had cried, but they had been tears of joy and Jensen firmly believed that maybe they had turned a corner. 

That was how he had ended up here, tonight, dressed like a loose woman. The lace panties were itchy in all the right ways, the rub of them across his cock was delicious and from Jared’s grin he seemed to realise how much it was turning him on. 

“You’re actually far kinkier than I ever realised.” Jared mused. 

“Yep and you, you lucky man,” Jensen straddled his lover and reached down and kissed Jared, “get to reap the benefits of my kinkiness.”

Jared smiled, a smug, self-satisfied smile and nodded, “I agree, I am a very lucky man. Now get those panties off and ride my cock.”

Jensen whooped and did just as ordered; he was always good at taking directions he thought, especially those he agreed with.

 

At the end of the day it wasn’t perfect, but then what relationship was? Jensen lay back on the bed, the one he had shared with Jared all those years ago. He snuggled into the side of his lover, his husband in all but name. He could feel Jared’s breath on his face, moist and warm and it was like coming home. Jared was his other half, the yin to his yang, the night to his day, and he was finally back where he belonged and nothing was ever going to separate them again. Neither Jared’s mood nor his own uncertainty was going to derail them now. Jensen was back home and this time he was going to stay forever.

End


End file.
